well where to begin? lets see ive been working full time and going to school full time...so ive been super busy but im getting my life where it needs to be. Overall I am happy! My love life with lucy is wonderful and my transition is on track. I have an appt set up in april with a local doctor to hopefully get a hystorectomy soon! I feel like i have changed quite a bit physically. My facial hair is in quite a bit now..having to shave often and i'm able to sculpt my sideburns all the way down my jawline to my goatee. I love it! i have been going to school stealth however and it has been an intresting journey. i haven't been in school since 2000 and i didn't try much then. I am now i believe because i have the desire within myself now. It's intresting to find myself so wrapped in well me. I haven't expierienced that in life yet. it's a great feeling. Once you realize you can make yourself feel good you lose dependence on others to do it for you. I've been passing at school no questions asked and its great to just be another guy in the crowd. If only some of these people could really know and understand what my journey has been then maybe they could understand me a bit better! Anyways i just wanted to post and talk quickly about these huge changes within myself. I have discovered who i am but still learning and its amazing. I am beginning my life and it feels unlike anything else ive ever felt before! Go Me!!! im uploading a pic thats current! post again eventually!

Hey everyone..another post for another month..Sunday will be two years on testosterone. Wow. I can't believe time has gone by so fast. It's almost scary. Over the last month I've dealt with making decisions about school..the passing of a dear friend whom's MTF and a founding mother of my local support group...and most of all..like usual...hatred...I am so tired and worn out from the hatred that flows through the air. I've been at my new job for a little over 3 months. thats it 3 months. Apparently there's a girl there that i use to work with and another girl that i went to high school with. They decided to tell everyone about my personal life...ie me being transgendered. okay, it shouldn't be a big deal right. I dont mind anyone knowing that im a transman because well that's who i am..but the way they are approaching me and my girlfriend (she works there as well) is out of this world. I dont understand what crawls through these people's mind body and soul to make the things come out of thier mouths that do. It's amazing..a science or something. It can be difficult to deal with. Listening to people tell me im going to hell is getting old...i'd rather be in hell with people like me then in heaven with bigoted assholes like them. Why does what i have going on in my personal life my personal agenda need to affect them in any way. it doesn't. None of thier business. The sad part is I dont feel like I can turn any of them in...we all know what happened when i did that at my last facility..i was fired..for talking about my personal life..ugh..people suck..the more and more i like them the more and more i despise them...most of them didn't know me before and honestly doesn't need to know of me from then..that person is dead and no longer exists..I am here..waving my arms in the air trying to get people to see me..but yet they still try to focus on who i may of possibly been...ugh..im tired of the hatred. just leave me alone..let me live my life..i'm only living for me..as for all of the people who want to bring thier god into it can especially fall off the face of the earth...the only thing i will ever believe in that much is myself...im not living my entire life striving for heaven..im living my entire life striving for happiness..hands down...so again..leave me alone!!! I'm venting some angry thoughts today because i am burned out on constantly being overwhelmed with emotions. When i started T 2 years ago i thought honestly thought that id be transitioned at the 2 year mark..i was wrong..i still feel like im transitioning more and more everyday. it can be overwhelming at times. more than others. I dont want to live stealth because i dont want to loose who i am into my shadow..but i dont want to be hated for walking down the hallway or most even breathing...im in the midwest...that isn't going to happen..anyways..i'll post again soon...until then..later...

Hey everyone. Another post for another month! I feel so different. i just wanted to talk about it a little bit. i am going through i feel are my biggest physical changes ive gone through so far. I'm just really changing and i see it and i feel it crawling throughout my entire body like a snake in my veins. It's like this on top of the world incredible finally type of emotion thats shadowed by an emotion that is like turbulent waves crashing into the rocks on the shore hitting me like a thousand bee's stinging me all at once. penetrating my every ounce of being. I'm striving towards not letting my mind break the spirit of my soul. I look in the mirror and i have lost the sight of who i was. completley. i knew this day was coming i just didn't know how it would feel. My muscles are huge. i dont mean im completley ripped i can just feel the definition..they're protruding on my back, arms, legs, and shoulders. its amazing. the facial hair has grown in mad amounts along with hair everywhere else. I am becoming so very hairy. most of all. aside from my body. my face just looks different. it's not smooth and shiny. petite and feminine looking. there isn't a glow or a softness that reveals my biological being anymore. im so very happy. it's just kinda weird to look in the mirror. my smile is unreconizable. my eyes have changed the most. my eyes show my soul. literally. my best friend picked me up from work today and said i looked so different when i walked out of the doors. a new person. a new me. that felt so good to hear because ive wanted to feel that my entire life. i feel good about who i am. did i really just say that and mean it? yes. i did. I am so very beautiful. I am breathing and couldn't ask for more. I will get through these ever changing months and be proud of the man i'll become. He's near. I can sense him. He's staring at me like he always has. Waiting for the stride in my step guiding him home. Post soon. Until then later!

hey everyone. Its been awhile. so therefore this could be a very long post. just a warning lol. We have been back home and working. It's been weird being here i truly didn't think i would again for a long time. Its for the best. I'm glad to be back in the transworld. Stealth wasn't for me. At least not for right now. i feel as though i jumped into it way too soon. Moving was the best decision yet the worst decision at the same time. It was great because lucy and i really got a chance to rekindle. ecspecially since we didn't know anyone down there and couldn't find work. we got to spend alot of time together learning who we are now as opposed to before we decided to work things out. it was an amazing adventure for us not only as a couple but indiviual too. Wasn't so great because we fell so far behind financially that we are still playing catch up and its been nearly 2 months and we started working within a week or two when we moved back. Mentally for the two of us it was an awesome expierience. Helped us gain a little more knowledge about our own independence and how the south is. Im two months away from two years on testosterone. i cant believe it has been that long already. so much has happened in the last two years. I feel i have grown up and really discovered who i am and where im going in this life. Ive kept this blog to look back at my transition, however i remember every part of my transition. I sometimes wonder if i always will. Is it one of those things where you knew exactly where you were and what you were doing when something significant occurred or soemthing that will eventually fade into the memories of my life like so many others. Is this blog beneficial? Maybe if i ever write a book it'll be like cliff notes. or if my children ever really want to get inside of my head they can read it. ive kept a journal since i was a young kid. It was the only place i could express everything i felt inside without being criticized. My journal has always been my confidant. Maybe thats why i even started this blog was for my place of pure honesty. I'd bet my life savings that im the happiest guy in the world right now. Post soon until then..later...

hey everyone...another post for another day...i posted yesterday very excited about my 1 year post op...but today im facing a problem...im dysphoric again..im living stealth which means nobody knows im trans...which is awesome...but i have my days...like today..where i hate having to hide who i am...i am transgendered and it is a VERY big part of who i am...i have been through sooo much during my lifetime because of my identity issues that its nearly a shame to put them away..maybe moving back home will be a good thing becaues i'll get to live in my trans identity again..everybody down here thinks im gay and i think its because i haven't given myself enough time to walk in teh steps of a bio male...i feel as though i need to walk in the footsteps of a transgender man for a little while longer. ive changed so much not only physically but on the inside too. I can't believe how grown up i am sometimes...how many discoveries ive made about myself. sometimes i cant even believe that im transgendered. Only a handful of us out there...we have to stick together or we'll be lost forever! i'll figure things out and you'll be the first to know! i suppose i just have to take it one day at a time! post soon until then later......