hey everyone..haven't been a big blogger but thought i'd give it a try...my name is jack and thought i'd share my path to freedom..have you ever met or seen someone walking down the street that you knew just by looking at something wasn't exaclty "right" about them..you can't quite put your finger on it but you know somethings different to the point you stare? you even break your neck to watch them walk by trying to figure out if they are a boy or a girl..now to me it seems if you have to ask then its probably your first pick..but that always isn't the case ecspecially with me...i know it doesn't help living in the midwest but i survive..it hasn't always been easy but i survive..now let me break it down..i'm a ftm tg..now for those of you that look at that and are confused...it means FEMALE TO MALE TRANSGENDER..yes intresting i know...not really...bascially what its about...and i know you've all heard the phrase..i'm a man trapped in a womans body and vice versa...well that just happens to ring true with me..i was born unique..hard to understand i know..nobody will ever know what its like to feel so ashamed of who you are until you walk in those shoes..i have accepted the fact that i'm trans..and i've accepted the fact that i have a long journey ahead of me...so lets enter into the first steps..i remember feeling this way when i was a very young child..i'd pray to god at night to make me a boy and i'd wake up early in the morn in a frantic to see if it worked and of course it never did..i always hung out with the neighborhood boys doing boy things and correcting my mother when she called me a girl..i referred to myself as jack when i was very young and was so embarrassed by my body i tried to mutilate myself and cut parts off that i didn't want..i envied my brother for being who i knew i was..and when puberty came i wanted to end it all..i was confused about mentrustrating and growing boobs..i coudln't handle it and i hated it so i found a way to get rid of my boobs and that was duct taping them down...it hurt like a son of a bitch and i couldn't breathe but at the same time it felt better..i started noticing i had an attraction towards girls so i lied to them and told them i was a boy but it never worked...they always found out and hated me for it and i hated myself..i couldn't grasp why i was so different than everyone else..then i met this girl..she was a lesbian and i wasn't exactly familiar with that word but lots of people called me dyke all the time..i figured it meant tomboy until she explained to me what it was...i assumed that was me..a lesbian..a dykey lesbian at that..as i got a little older i realized even more that i disliked lesbians very much and straight girls and boys too..i didn't fit the mold of the lesbians in the community and i think they could tell..straight girls made me mad because they didn't like me like that and i couldn't stand boys because all the girls wanted them and they got to do things like play football and soccer with the other boys..it was very frustrating and confusing..and then one day i stumbled upon this chat room on aol..when i was 14 it was titled transsexuals...so i entered and a new world shined bright in my eyes..i talked to them for a few years and it made everything so much better..i learned new ways to "pass" as a male..for example..how to really bind my chest down and how to train my voice to be a bit deeper than average..i also found out about a cure..a cure for this terrible thing i'd been living my entire life and that was sex reassignment...oh wow..hormones and surgeries and costly things to be who i was...so i asked my mom..she said she could handle me being gay but thats where she drew the line..i didn't understand...i thought it was okay because it was something i needed...but apparently not..it's not accepted and i didn't get that either because i was born that way..i wasn't choosing to do this why would anyone choose to do that to themselves...to me it was life or death..breaking free of a prison that held me captive for years..so i continued chatting in the room..the only place where i felt alive..i hid in that chat room up to 14 hours a day during the summer and weekends...after school thats where i was until bed..okay so now this blog is nine chapters long so i better break away from this addiction for a short while..i'll be back with the beginning of my journey soon! until then....later