hey everyone...so i'm staring at my keyboard trying to figure out how to say exactly what i'm thinking..i haven't been in the best mood the last few days..okay i've acutally been in a miserable mood..as soon as you feel happy and finally succeeding at something you've wanted and waited for your entire life everything has to feel like its crashing down..lucy keeps telling me its a process and we're getting to where we want to be..but she doesn't understand what it feels like to go to sleep at night and see yourself the way you want to in your dreams and then have to wake up and face the world..telling yourself the binder makes you super flat when it really doesn't at all..and your packy gives you the right bulge..when it really doesn't at all..to try your hardest to make your voice sound deep when it really doesn't at all...face your life and try to live it knowing you're not who you are is fucking hard..nobody understands what that feels like..nobody realizes how identity is everything..nobody pays attention to the small details that make them who they are..like the way thier eyebrows look or the way they walk or the size of thier hands..its who they are so why pay attention to it..well because they take it for granted..they dont realize that theres someone out there who isn't who they are..it can really suck ass sometimes..and like lucy says its a process but it still feels like shit..it wont feel better until i've had my top surgery and i pass all the time..right now i get called sir by every 6th person i come in contact with..and on the phone or drive thrus being called sir doesn't exsist yet and thats frustrating..i want the changes now..its too painful otherwise..anyways..i better get going now that this is long..but i'm having a tough time right now..post soon...until then..later...
p.s. theres a new pic of me in the gallery

hey everyone...i must have a pretty boring or what i like to say simple life to be able to post everyday..kind of embarassing almost..yet i still do it..haha..it'll be fun to look back on in the future..i was exhausted today! oh geez..i had no energy and i was pissy..i think i remember hearing roughly 4 "dicks" and 7 "assholes" today..if i counted correctly..lucy just sat silent all the way to the doc's office..apparentley i wasn't enjoyable to be around..even the doc asked me not to throw her magazines down when i'm done..oops..i wasn't in a good mood..i was tired..no energy..and hungry..(it was supper time)..my blood pressure was even a little high due to my pissyness..at least thats how the doc put it..i'm much better now..i felt the shot this time..yup it was a definite sting..and as a matter of fact it still stings..but everything went well..she said i should be seeing more changes over the next few weeks..and my meneses is suppose to be here and isn't..hopefully i'm finished with that..i hope..and we talked about teaching me how to self inject..she showed lucy how to do it today..she'll continue to show her until she has it down..she wants me to be under her care for at least the next 6 months before i can do it myself at home..she wants to monitor everything which is fine..shes a great doc and i do as she says..after all she is the one shooting me full of testosterone..well better run..i'll post again soon you know it..until then..later....

hey everyone..another day in the life of me..lol..not alot going on today..i go tomorrow for my second shot of t! yay for me! lucy and i was talking the other day about my top surgery..which is removal of the breast tissue i have...and we orignally were going to see dr. brownstein in san fran cali because he is highly rated as the number 1 ftm top surgery surgeon..but i'd have to stay there for 11 days and can you imagine the bill from the hotel in cali after 11 days..i sure can't..so i heard of a doctor in omaha nebraska from a few other guys who have seen him and they had nothing but good things to say about him so i sent him some information about me and am in the process of getting my first consultation set up..i probably wont be able to get the surgery until next year..it cost 5,000 bucks and i probably should loose a little weight before i attempt surgery..but i'm super stoked about finally transforming my body into who i am..it feels great but i just have to keep reminding myself to be patient if i dont i'd just be angry all the time..haha..today when i got to work one of my co workers belted out "holy shit your chest is gone!!" oh man did i love hearing that..i love this new binder! kudos to underworks!! other than that everything is going good...tomorrow is national dress up like a pirate day..so guess what i'm doing..i'm dressing up..i kinda have to for work since i'm in the activities dept..its crazy..i do physical therapy and activities so i'm often super busy..but anyways..hope all goes well..post soon..until then...later...

hey everyone...i ordered a new binder from underworks.com on friday and it arrived this morning at 10am..i can't believe how sweet it is!! obviously i'm never going to be completley flat until i have my surgery...but it flatens me enough to pass AND its very comfortable..i can breathe...which happens to be a plus...and i can move around in it without being uncomfortable...i'm super stoked about it..i even worked out in it and it stayed in place..so for those ftm's out there trust in underworks.com...i talked to my doc today and asked if we could switch my bi weekly shot of t to once weekly...two weeks of waiting for the next is just too long..she said it'd be fine..so wednesday when i go get my shot it'll only be half the dose..right now i take 250mg every two weeks...shes going to start teaching me how to self inject so hopefully in three weeks time i'll be giving myself the shots except i'll have to do it in the thigh..ugh..less tissue there..two of my co workers told me today that i was getting peach fuzz on my face but i think they're just trying to be nice...its the peach fuzz thats growing back from when i shaved..but kudos to them for being supportive..well its just another day in the life of me..post soon..until then...later...

hey everyone..just thought i'd drop a line..i have family all throughout the united states..and they are very supportive of me and my transition so i thought i'd post a video blog on youtube for them to check out so they dont miss my transition..so if y'all wanna view it it's www.youtube.com/patsdevotee so check it out if you like..i want to have images and stuff to look back on when it comes to an end..i was talking to lucy today and were discussing a topic of stereotypes..before i started t i always had the urge to cry when i watched movies or even tv shows..i guess you could say it was a soft spot..well now i've noticed i have no desire to cry when i watch tv or movies..but lucy thinks that the whole men dont think they can cry because they're men is a stereotype..so my response to that was so women being emotional is a stereotype? anyways we talked for awhile about this subject and came to an agreement..we're going or at least i'm going to pay close attention to how the mental changes affect my overall daily living..even if its as simple as crying and not crying..so far the mental changes have been huge and intense but i'm excited to see whats next..i have embraced the fact that i'm transsexual and that i get to expierence something not many people get to..back in the berdache tribes in the indian culture transsexuals were worshipped and considerded "two spirited" because they got to expierence the world from both views female and male and i'm in the process of that..and thats why i think the mental changes are huge..and i'm excited to see the world from both views..maybe it'll help me figure out life a little easier..well better run the pats game is on soon..post soon..until then...later...