hey everyone..another day..another post..my voice has dropped twice this week! its unbelieveable..i barely am called ma'am on the phone! its such an amazing feeling to finally become who i am..im loving every minute of it..i dont want it to end..i finally know what its like to feel happy..anyways..i was randomly selected at work for a drug screen...i passed..nervous as hell..but i passed! i decided to shave my face tonight...i didn't really want to and haven't wanted to because i love seeing the peach fuzz..but everyone keeps telling me it'll come in thicker if i do..so i did..and i only knicked myself once..i run my fingers across my shaven face and it feels rough..way rougher than it ever has..funny to see no hair there again..but on teh same note..its rougher..i'm really excited for my top surgery consultation next week..my friend brenda is gonna go with me..we're gonna eat at the old spaghetti works..i love that place..they only have three and they're all in nebraska..so i'm counting down..i really need to gain the courage to give myself the injections..because i should go saturday for my shot..but i have to wait until sunday because thats when the doc is in..which isn't a big deal..but i want to give them to myself at home...so that way when t day comes round..i can just come home after work and give myself my shot..works for me..we'll see how it goes..the doc is making me more paranoid about giving myself the shot than i am..so i just need to ask her to back off and let me do this..i'll keep y'all posted..until then..later....

hey everyone..told ya i'd post today..so here i am..left work a bit early today..been having alot on my mind..i did however..set up my consultation for my top surgery..its next thursday in nebraska..i can't wait and am overexcited for it..i'll post details on it later..its very intresting to take a look at how the t affects me mentally..sometimes it throws me off guard cuz i'll catch the difference in the way i do things..for example..at work the other day we were putting up xmas deco and i had to do the main hallway with this other guy adn two kids..well i was hanging the garland up and here comes my boss..she said you guys aren't fluffing it..i nearly fell off the ladder..i hadn't even thought about fluffing it..she told me to hang it so i did..when i know pre t i would have made sure i made it look "pretty" but it didnt' even occur to me..a few things like that have been happening over the last week or so..and it stuns me to realize how differently i look at things now..or at least starting to..i'm falling into the mold of a man and it feels awesome..different..but very awesome..they start random drug testing at work today..glad i left early..hope i dont get one..but with my luck..that's how it'll go..anyways..other than that not alot of other changes have occured..i'll be posting a pic of me here in a second..so check it out..week 12! post soon...until then..later....

hey everyone...another day for another post...i have a feeling this post is going to be kind of lengthy..i apologize ahead of time for that..but i have alot on my head right now..things are changing wicked fast..all at once it feels even though its really been over a course of time..i never realized how much i truly hid from myself..i did terrible things all the time to people and things for no reason other than i really didn't care about anything..not me or anyone.. i hated who i was so i never cared to get to know me..i locked it away and existed..that's it..i didn't care who i hurt even if it was me..and now since i've started taking hormones..i'm starting to come alive in a sense and actually feel..and its very scary to feel..i look back on everything that has happened in my life and noticed i never felt anything cuz i didn't care..and now im starting to and accepting or at least trying to accept everything in my life..its very complicated and sometimes doesn't even make sense in my head.. my entire life was an illusion that i just got through..it didn't lead me to where i am now..well in a sense maybe but realistically it didn't..at least to me it didn't..i'm trying to grasp the reality of being happy..i've never known that emotion..ever..all i've ever known is anger..i'm adjusting but its difficult..it keeps taking me down all these emotinal and mental paths that its making me feel blah at times..not neccssarily in a bad way...but just blah..everyone keeps telling me to give it to a higher power but i dont understand that..it just doesn't make sense to me..its my battles so why try to give them away? then they say just set it to the side and try to focus on positive things and get back to it when i feel i can..well..my entire life i always put everything single thing to the side and told myself i'd get back to it..and then never did..just let it build up inside of me..i fear that will happen again..i'm trying to grow out of that person..and its a process..i'm working through the motions though..step at a time...but on a good note..my voice dropped again and three days ago..i was called a sir on teh phone!!! it was soo exciting i've never passed on the phone or in drive thrus..so that made my day...i have lots more to say..but am running out of time..i'm going to post again tomorrow..until then..later...

hey everyone...another day another post..i woke up this morning feeling awful..i think i drank too much last night but damn ku was lossing miserably..it was fun..i love hanging out with the guys..its just where i feel most comfortable..its hard to come home drunk to a house that is trying to be sober..its like our vices dont mix..which is fine..but i do understand what my mom is going through as much as i don't understand..we're both facing transitions..hers is from a life of being absent from herself and everyone else to being a person that feels..thinks..and dreams..as to where i'm coming from a life of being absent from myself because i disliked myself very much to a life where i'll be someone who feels..thinks..and dreams..on the contrary..its two very different paths..its hard for me to listen to my mom talk about becoming who she is..her being absent our whole lives is who we know..so right now it doesn't hurt because thats who she is..but now she's changing and when get to finally see the healthy person that we never had..that'll hurt..like a son of a bitch..i'll be so sad..but i'll be very proud of her..our paths are so similar..broken paths...that are in the process of being mended..i can be strong for her...if she can be strong for me..her son..for the first time in both of our lives..they couldn't of happened any sooner...it wouldn't have ever worked..its a stretch..but i take one step at a time..better eat some lunch..post soon..until then..later...

hey everyone..another post for another day..i started this blog because i really wanted to document my transition...i was excited for the physical changes to occur that i somewhat forgot the mental changes that were gonna happen..i said i was going to be the same person i always had been..i didn't realize at the time that i would change as a person..my soul doesn't change but me as a person does..i can tell that already..i never understood what lucy meant by i dont know who i'm getting but i know who i'm loosing...but now i know what she meant..christian is fading away..as jake is coming of..its incredible to change from one gender to another..to have to sit down and really accept the person you were before..i accept the fact that i was christian and everything that made christian..but i'm changing and i need to figure out what parts of christian will carry over with me into jake..its complicated i've realized..if the t could physically make me a man tomorrow i'd say no and i'd go through it like it is..i'm having to mentally prepare myself for who i'm going to be physically..so i can face the world as the man i am..phew..i'm talkative today but have been thinking alot about everything thats going on in my life and the changes that are occuring..its a ride and a journey...and i'm on it..walking the shoes of a hundred men! post soon..until then later....