hey everyone..another day for another post..i found out last night i'm going to be an uncle..yes thats right an uncle..my brothers girlfriend is pregnant..so i'm looking forward to it..for the main reason that the little child will only ever know me as jake..the baby isn't due until july..thats a few months after my surgery so i should be healed enough to help out..that was the good news..now for the slumpy bullshit..throughout my transition i've lost friends..and i'm going to loose more..its by my choice..which is the awful part..i've decided not to be involved with these so called "friends" but they've all said that they will never ever see me as a man and that i will always be a her to them..i can't handle that..i dont want to be around people who wont see me for me when i see them for them..the saying "dont judge a book by its cover" is the most false statement i have yet to hear..with our strict gender binary system in our society the cover of our books is what determines how people act towards you..its different..i'm really in the process of paying close attention to gender...what makes you male? what makes you female? i tend to observe people more now then i ever have..i use to avoid people as much as possible...but now i just want to be in the mix watching..trying to have it all make sense in my head..i have yet to figure out why men are from mars and women are from venus but i can say one thing i've learned...men and women are complete opposites..when people say they're more alike than they think..they are VERY VERY wrong..in all aspects..my friend told me theres a class offered at washburn university here titled "gender identity" i really want to take that class next fall...i dont need it for the career i want but i would love to hear what that class has to offer..i'll keep y'all updated on my theory...men vs women! post soon until then...later..........

hey everyone..i know i posted earlier but i've got alot going on in my mind and i need to vent it all..right now as y'all know i'm living with my folks and brother..which i haven't done since i was about 15...so right now we are clashing..i'm a totally different person than the members of my family..my brother totaled my moms car the other day on the icy roads..he hit a brand new suv and totaled it as well..the car didn't have insurance..so they want the house for collarteral..the very next day my brother burned the clutch out of his new car..that's 600 to fix..and my parents are paying for it with money they dont have..blah..the brakes froze up on my dads pos truck..so now i'm the only one with a vehicle and they constantly want me to run errands..which is fine but damn..i get bombarded as soon as i walk in the door..on top of that my brother is wanting to get married and he's only 18 and she's 17...they want to go to colleges on each side of the us..but i'm afraid him getting married will interfere with his life goals..grr..and he doesn't stay out of my stuff..no matter how many times i tell him my things are mine..he still helps himself..makes me mad..he doesn't care about anyone else..its frustrating...so i've been offered by a buddy of mine to move into his house with him i'd only have to pay 300 bucks a month until my surgery..which is way cool..i'm really wanting to get out of my parents house i sometimes think that we clash..its too soon for me to be around them all this much..we had just started talking just a few weeks prior to me moving in and i just think its too soon..but fuck..i hate to move again..that'd be twice this year and thats scary to me..thats life i use to lead..and i dont want to go back to that lifestyle..but i should have known before i moved in here that its too soon...but i did anyways..so here i am..trying to figure things out making a mile long post..but fuck..shits happening..good and bad..i'm trying to adjust to everything..it comes and it goes..i forgot to mention in the last post that my fingernails are much harder than they use to be..i have the bad habit of biting my nails and now i have to put extra effort into it and then by the next morning they're grown back..its kinda funny..wanting me to keep from biting them..haha..well anyways..time for bed..thanks for the ears..

hey everyone another day another post! today is 14 weeks..i can't believe the time that has passed..its gone by so fast and so much has happened..i've had alot going through my head..its seems as if i get lost in my own thoughts and sometimes can't get out! i gave myself my own shot today! it was fucking amazing..i couldn't quit smiling..to be in control of something so huge in my life is very empowering..i was shaky and it made me a bit nervous but i did okay..and it didn't take me but 3 minutes to gain the courage to stick myself..i did it in my thigh..so from here on out i'll be giving myself my own shots...also the hair that i shaved off my face is back..and darker..so i believe the theory of shaving your face so it'll grow back in thicker is true..my voice has dropped again..but this time it didn't just drop but there seems to be some bass added.. its deeper but not so scratchy just deep..i'm excited..i've been passing more and more each day..its an incredible feeling and i'm so glad that i decided to transition..i dont think i could have moved on otherwise..i better run..and janet i hope to hear from you very soon..i know you're busy but keep me in your thoughts! post soon..until then..later....

ps..another pic in the gallery

hey everyone..phew been a few days..but i've been rather busy..you tube hasn't been letting me download any videos..blah..had another therapy appt today it went okay..just sticking it out so i can get my letter for top surgery...speaking of...i had my consultation today with my surgeon..dr perry johnson out of omaha nebraska..it took us 4 hours to get there because of a snow/ice storm we had today..roads weren't so bad on the way back..but i met the dr..he was a rather nice guy..promptly anwsered all my questions i had..explained everything to me in detail so i knew what would be going on..he made me take my shirt off..so i did..he was pointing out where incisions would be which is fine but my legs felt like rubberbands..like they were going to collapse out from underneath me but i did okay..i got through it..its going to be 6000 bucks which i have to pay 2 weeks prior to surgery..awesome..which my surgery is scheduled for May 5th 2008 at 12:30pm...i can't wait..i'm going to get construction paper and make a chest surgery chain with the numbered days written on each link and as the day ends i'll rip one away..its a way for me to countdown..once again when i left his office i was smiling like i did when i got my first t shot..i'm so excited and nervous at the same time..also..my voice has dropped again..its getting deeper instead of just scratchy..and the hairs on my arms are starting to come in much darker than before..lots of changes..but i'm exhausted just spent most of the day in a vehicle..so i'm off to bed..i've posted a new pic..post soon..until then..later...

hey everyone..another day for another post...im suppose to get my shot today...but i have to wait until tomorrow..thats when my doc's gonna be at the clinic..she allows me to come in for free so if i have another doc there do it..i'll be charged..so i'm waiting until tomorrow..which is fine..but i did wake up this morning not in such a good mood..blah..i was testy..i reckon its time for my shot..haha.. my mother is recovering from alcohol and drug abuse as i've mentioned in earlier posts..23 years of my life with her haven't been the greatest..i'm trying to find the respect and the forgiveness inside of me that i should have for her..but its just not there..i look at her and get angry inside even though she is sober..i hear her voice and i want to scream..its all this hate that has built up over the years of her what she calls "blackout".. she says i need to forgive her and not dwell on the past..but the problem is..i'm not dwelling on the past..the past is dwelling on me..i hate that..i wish it wasn't..but how do you go about trying to overcome everything that has happened in your life and learn to love those around you that you've hated for so long? i can't just wake up and forgive all the things she's done or give her the respect she wants from me..we just started talking again three months ago..and now i'm living here..everything has moved so fast..she says she feels like shes walking on eggshells around me...well what the fuck..after all the shit we've been through its hard to look at her and smile..blah..i sound so evil..but theres so much bad blood there its going to take time to replace it with good blood..she has to get to know me..i'll say things everyday and her response is "oh i didn't know that about you" and all i can think is well you should been that way my whole life..i have to get to know her too..the only person i know is evil..hurtful..and vindictive..i know she's changing but i have to know that person before i can let go of the person i know..the only person i know within her..blah..she wants me to go to a support group for family members of recovering alcoholics..i dont want to..i probably should for her..just to make an effort like she has in my transition..but fuck..aa is all about god..and i just dont get the whole god thing..it doens't make sense to me and i dont want to sit in a group whos all about god because by all means i am not..if god is what is going to get her through this time in her life..thats fantastic for her..but for me however.. i dont believe in god..nor do i want to because it just doesn't add up to me..so therefore it'd be difficult to go to this group and talk when all they want to talk about is god..i'm too old for imaginary friends..its not my thing..i'm not devoting my time to something or someone that people live thier complete lives for..i live my life for me..nobody else..ecspecially a character out of a fairy tale...anyways..i'm on a rampage..like i said..not in a good mood today..blah..life in the deep end...post soon..until then..later...