hey everyone..another post for another day..21 weeks..this one might be kinda long..i have lots to write about...the entire feeling alone thing has passed..which is a good thing..several physical changes i've really started to notice lately..the hair on my arms are growing extremely long..they're still not very dark but they are really starting to grow..however the hair on my legs..its growing..just very very slowly..kinda bummed about it..but i'll be patient..i have to be..my stomach..the hair on my stomach is really coming in..and dark..i'm really starting to get a happy trail and its amazing..long enough to be pulled on..the hair is all over my belly and my chest..can't wait for surgery...its so awesome to see though..my facial hair is coming in but its still really blonde..i shave probably once a week..i can feel my sideburns coming in but i can't see them yet..hopefully soon..my eyebrows are getting thicker.. a unibrow...but im liking it so its fine by me..also my upper body strength has increased a huge amount..i've been working doubles at work lately trying to save for surgery and when i transfer residents its like nothing..it use to tire me out but now its easy as ever and i dont get tired nearly as quick..not getting tired i think has to do with my energy levels..my arms and legs look different..thicker but more thinned out at the same time..my entire body shape is changing..my belly is getting more rounded persay but all my curves are disappearing..i notice when i put on my jeans..i put on a pair the other day i grew out of and they were huge..my belt couldn't keep them up..my scrubs for work are too big they constantly fall down..my hands are thicker..my shoulders have way more defintion as does my back..my toes all ten of them are hairier than before..and my adams apple is getting more and more firm..my body temp is always high..i never get cold like i use to and dont sleep with a heater on at night..my chest is getting smaller..my binder is too big its a 2x so i think i need to go down to an xl..my chest is hidden easier now..as for my voice..super deep..my voice helps me pass so much more its unbelievable..its such a good feeling to look in the mirror and reconize a part of you that should have been there all along..i think i'm doing a good job at becoming a member of the secret mens club..mentally i feel like things are at a good spot persay..i'm happy with who i'm becoming..my thought processes have changed my body has changed my entire life has changed..and its only going to get better..i feel more and more like me everyday..i'm going to have to order a third bottle of T soon which is crazy to think..that means i'm coming up on 18 shots..theres 10 shots to a vial but you never get the last shot..i think the needle head is too big and it can't sink into the t enough..i'm happy..its so funny to hear myself say that..but i am..its been 5 months since i've been on T and things have changed..i remember when i use to sleep at night in my dreams i would see myself as a man..the man i should have been..i hated waking up..but now when i sleep at night i see myself how i was right before my transition..and all i want to do is wake up..maybe i'll get use to it..maybe i wont..the same goes with the voice inside my head..when i think to myself i hear my pre t voice..its not the voice i talk with..funny really..when i hear that voice i'll suddenly say my thoughts outloud..in desperation of hearing my new found voice..maybe i'll get use to that too..all in hopes..those are things i dont tell anyone..they're complicated..but being trans can be..its a been a struggle so far to bring out who i am..a journey that not many people take..and i'm only at the beginning..to imagine everything else i'm going to go through is a war in its own..but i'm ready to fight it..and accomplish it..i'm ready..i've never felt so ready in all my life..things are falling into place..and i'm living life...post soon..until then..later....

ps new pic in the gallery!

hey everyone..another day for another post..its 20 weeks today..wow..i'm finally out of the teens..woohoo..i posted another pic..its so fun to look at how much i've changed..incredible really..however i have felt very alone and isolated the last few days..overwhelmed with my transition..i'm battling myself right now and its difficult..i'm not depressed..i just feel like one in a million..everything i'm doing feels so right and perfect to me...but to the rest of the world it seems so wrong and awful...its a challenge and a battle i fight everyday..nobody knows what i'm going through mentally and physically..and they dont take the time to stop and possibly think of what it is..instead they hate.. they say awful things and make me the butt of thier jokes and its hurtful but what can i do..i'm the freak remember..i'm the one with mental health issues..blah fucking blah...i'm living for me..trying to discover myself and i'm caught in between genders right now..and gender is one of the main things in this world that completes it..or at least thats what society has created..and its tough for the ambigious..i have accepted myself..i have fought myself my entire life trying to figure out why i hated myself so much and i finally found something that can cause happiness in my life..and people want to rip that away..i wont let them..but it does cause me to be in a war not only with the rest of the world but with myself..depressed isn't the word..just alone..there aren't any trans brothers nearby so i'm in the midwest conservative usa trying to survive as transgendered..and up hill jog is how it feels but i know i'm working towards just being jake..thats it..just jake..i can't wait for that day..anyways gotta jet..post soon..until then....later............

hey everyone..another day another post...i gave myself a t injection today..i always get such a huge rush right before i do it..its like a drug in itself..gender in a bottle...i was looking in the mirror today and realized that my fat is totally shifting throughout my body..i'm loosing my butt and gaining a rather beer belly type thing going on..very intresting..i feel and see changes all over the place..i kind of broke down today..tough day for me..i cried..i haven't cried in over 3 months..and i found myself crying today.. my transition can be so overwhelming sometimes..its alot to take in constantly..it feels so good and so right for me..and it causes me to not understand why other people can't see that..i know it has to be obvious..they are calling me AC/DC at work because they say i'm both..it pisses me off because when a resident asks about me they say that i'm ac/dc...grrr..i hate bigotry..outside of work though i have noticed that the staring like mentioned in previous posts has ceased..people are nicer to me..its amazing i never knew that the world could be so friendly..before my transition..i would be stared at..called awful things and snubbed constantly..now that i'm passing people smile..and talk to me..i feel like i'm on top of the world..but at the same time i feel like my plate is overloaded with emotions and stress because of my transition..i'm taking it in stride but like i said it can get overwhelming..its complicated in its own way and nobody will ever understand what that means..im starting to feel like me adn its unbelieveable in a huge way..but i gotta run to the store...post soon..until then..later......

ps GO NEW ENGLAND!!!!! ALL THE WAY TO THE SUPER BOWL!!!!

hey everyone..another day another post...time has certainly flown by..the funniest thing happened the other day..as i was waiting in the checkout line at price chopper this guy walked by me with a huge smile on his face looking right at me...hmm..i didn't think anything about it..until i was leaving the store and he came up to me and said i just wanted to ask if you were family..i chuckled to myself because i'm so in between right now i didn't know if he thought i was a gay man or a gay woman..he then said you dont have any idea what i'm talking about do you..i said well i'm trans and the gay community doesnt' accept trans so therefore no i'm not family..and he said well i'm trans..he said well i'm trans to i just dont have the money yet to get hormones..he said he came up here from tulsa oklahoma because there weren't any resources..we talked for a minute..i thought the guy was different..but it was awesome meeting another trans even for just a moment..that came and it went..as for changes..nothing more than what has already been occuring..i have a feeling my stomach is going to be pretty hairy..my voice is getting deeper..something i haven't mentioned in awhile is my libido..we all know it skyrocketed like fucking crazy in the beginning and i was having to JO constantly..well now..its still up there..horny as hell all the time..i even wake up with morning woods every day and its fucking painful but its fun to expierence..anyways..before this gets too long..i'll post soon..until then..later.........

hey everyone..another day another post...blah i'm sick..have been since yesterday.. had a fever of 100.3 and a huge headache..the same way i felt when i first started T and got sick..the doc says that during the first year or so of a transition your body is getting use to the huge change your bringing upon it and it tends to break down your immune system...she says it'll build back up as time goes on but for now its low..so im sick..second time in 18 weeks..sucky..but its okay life is painful and it is what it is..wednesday will be 19 weeks..yay..my voice is sounding excellent..and the muscles on my back and shoulders are getting much much bigger..its awesome to feel my body as its slowly changing into what i always wanted it to be.. wonderful..ive been seeing this girl jasmin..she's awesome..i'm a guy to her and thats it..i asked her how she felt about me being trans and she said that if i knew i was a guy then so did she and that was all that matter..for the first time in my life i've been able to open up my body in a sexual way that i never was able to do before..i can't believe how good she makes me feel..i finally know what its like to having emotions that i dont have to ignore or that make me angry..instead its happy..thats it..jasmin makes my life happy as do i....post soon..until then..later...