hey everyone..another post for another week..i've posted a new pic in the gallery..check it out..not alot physically has happened in the last week..but the acne is really starting to take effect..getting it on my shoulders and face like crazy..i was handed a picture that my dept took at the xmas party on dec 8 last year..i started to chuckle to myself..because i can see the difference in myself in just 3 months since i took that picture..it was a great boost to the ego..but then just a short period later..a new housekeeper came up to me and said..i need to ask you a question..what exactly are you? sometimes i think you're a girl but then other times i think theres no way thats a girl..people have said that you were a guy..they've also said you were a girl or a girl turning into a man..so please tell me what are you? all i could do was look at her..i couldn't believe this person was standing in front of me really saying this..it took me for a tail spin mentally.. here i feel like i'm passing all the time..i feel more like a man than i ever have..but she can't figure me out..grrr..i'm still in that in between stage..makes me feel like i'll be there until my transition is done..but fuck..i'm tired of it..i just want to be seen as the man that i am..sometimes i try to tell myself its just the ignorant people in kansas..but i wont know that until i move..anyways..my surgery is coming up..been working alot lately..so hopefully i'll be where i need to be..i'm stoked..maybe that'll help in my passing..having no chest...i've noticed thats the first place people look after they look at my face..but i bind..and it doesn't make me completley flat...but flat enough to pass i reckon..i'm only at 6 months..i still have so much time before i'm done..so hopefully learning to love myself will come easier with time..its all i can hope for..post next week..until then...later....

ps..tomorrow night is the three days grace,breaking benjamin,and seether concert! i can't wait!

hey everyone..another post for another week..last week i worked 74 hours..phew..doing nothing but sleeping and working but i really need to save up for my surgery..its two months away..if i keep doing what i've been doing i'll be exactly where i need to be..my girlfriend is so supportive of me right now and its fantastic..she makes me feel so good like nobody has ever before and i know i can acredit myself for some of that becaus i'm allowing her to be supportive i've always had this mindset of tackling things on my own because i just always have had to..i've never really let someone come into my life and truly know whats going on with me..its a huge step for me..and i'm happy to be sharing it with someone like jasmin..she's a ruby..other than that..physical changes increase more nad more to me each week..all the hair i've had growing in is finally coming in pretty thick..ecspecially on my legs..i feel like the hair on my legs have been taking forever to grow..but its finally starting to..my face looks completley different..shaped different as is my neck so when i look in the mirror i catch myself standing there for at least 5 minutes just gazing at the man staring back..i am a man..i feel more and more like a man each day..my shoulders and my midsection..all different my gut is getting bigger but my thighs are butt are continusly getting smaller..when i walk by a window and see my reflection i get a huge burst of excitement but i have to contain it so people dont think i'm nuts but i my body isn't what it use to be..all the way around i look different..and its crazy because i'm barely 6 months into my transition and i know theres more to happen..my libido is still sky high..i love having sex..haha..who doesn't..i dont get cold that easily..and i still sweat way more than i ever have..my upper body strength gets stronger and stronger all the time..i haven't cried in a few weeks..my voice is super deep..i'm thinking its at that point where its as deep as its gonna go..now i just need to figure out where it feels more comfortable..it can still go all over the place..my feet still get clammy but not my hands as much as they use to..thats all physically...but mentally....things are changing..outlooks on everything are from a different perspective persay..its becoming easier and easier to present myself as male..but it can still feel overwhelming..theres a past life here in topeka..that i accept 100% but i'm forming a new life now as a new person..i actually get to leave behind my life and start over..a rebirth but a rebirth into the right gender..i'm ready to leave all this behind..i know i just have to wait for my surgery..but i need to go..i can't stay here and make my way through manhood..it just wont happen..things i think about every day...i posted a new pic its in the gallery..but i gotta go..post next week...until then..later....

hey everyone..another post for another day..or week i should say..like i keep saying been busy..really trying to save for this surgery..i'm counting down the days..and it just seems to get closer and closer..i'm so excited..my body has always been my enemy..and after my surgery i'll feel like me and my body will then be my forgiven enemy..i can handle my genitalia..that doesn't bug me so much..i can feel good about that..to me a dick doesn't make you a man..and just the physical transition will make me feel enough like a man to survive in this world comfortably..i'd say in this last month is when i've noticed the most changes physically and mentally..and i bet they're going to stay on the path they're on..incredible..today is valentines day..so happy vday to everyone..my mom called me this morning and said happy vday my man..you'll always be my valentine..it made my fucking day..my mother is finally reconizing and coming around to who i am..and its a good feeling..ecspecially with the relationship we've had..its a new beginning to a new me..a new her..and a new us..anyways..better jet..posting a pic as soon as i'm done typing..i'll post again next week..until then....later.....

hey everyone..another post for another day..sorry for the late late late post..been super busy..working alot of overtime trying to save up for my surgery..my whole life it has been "is it a boy or a girl?" always questioned..and thats slowly going away..the more and more i pass as male that's what it is..thats all i've ever known though and its kind of scary going into the world as a different and new person..i look at people and things seem so in place for them as a person even if thier life is a mess..i look at myself and think about how i feel every day when i'm stuck in the middle..but thats fading..i'm transitioning into a man..although the ambiguity is disappearing does that mean my identity issues will to? or will they be forever a part of my life? now my identity issues are the fact that i'm female bodied...and i'm changing that now..surgery is coming up and i'm on t now for nearly 6 months..its going so fast and will one day be done..i wont be transitioning anymore i'll just be a man..so when i get to that point will my identity issues then turn to something else like the fact that all my battles and uphill wars i fought to become me are going to be contained to two scars on my chest..nobody will ever know i was trans and will it slowly fade away? will it be something kept at the back of my mind for only me to think about? i'm nervous..fear of the unknown is coming back into play like it did in the beginning..and i'm not sure how the entire transition is going to play effect in my life when it comes to an end..things are going all over the place in my head..i'm also trying to adjust to just being a guy in the world..i dont know if its the midwest or just being a guy..but they use words like fag..gay..queer..maybe its just bigotry..but its hard for me to sit in a crowd of guys while they talk like this but then i have to be macho or else i'll be "gay" and its different..its a world i'm becoming a member of and i love it but at the same time it takes me through all these loops..and i gave myself a shot today and hit a vein..oooooouuucccchhh...lots of blood but i'll survive..the doc says it shoudln't affect anything differently..so phew..i'll post on time again..i'm out of town right now but when i get back i'll post a pic..i took one already just waiting to post it..until then..later......