hey everyone..another post for another day...ive had a very stressful day..ive literally been in tears all day..boy do i have a headache..ive had alot on my mind about my surgery..its soo close and i dont recall any of the other trans guys on youtube saying they've kinda freaked out right before..maybe everyone handles it in thier own way..ive been mentally breaking down inside my head..nobody knows it but me..i've decided that im not going to take my mom to omaha with me because i dont need that extra anxiety..although it might be the closure she needs..she's grieving the loss of her daughter which i get because ive had to grieve the loss of myself..the only person ive known my entire 24 years of life..and monday..that person is gone for real..its the death of her daughter and the birth of her son and that has to be scary because it is from my standpoint..my completley new life is beginning which means i need to leave where i am soon..and i'm just now finding it "comfortable"..go to another state and really start it..fear of the unknown plays alot in my transition..its scary..but i can't take my mom for my own personal reasons..what happen if she goes out adn gets drunk? i've always been responsible for her when she has..and i can't do that..and she cries alot..i can't do that either..i know she loves me i do..but however i do need someone with me that cares about me..genuinely..this is the biggest expierence of my life and i want to invite someone that i know i can trust..its as simple as that..i have a therapy appt tomorrow and i cant' wait..i'm going to ask her if i can see her everyday up til when i leave..anyways..gotta run..post soon..until then..later...

hey everyone..another post for another day...i have so much going on in my head right now..its very nervewracking and being the day before t day doesnt' help..i'm pretty much ready for my surgery i have my letter..its paid for...i got my dpoa ready just in case any thing were to happen to me..but mentally i'm trying to get there i really am..but man its way intense..i'm getting ready to go through the biggest and most important expierence ever in my life and i dont know what to feel..thats hard..i'm scared out of my mind to go under i've never been under anesthia..so i dont even know what to expect..and i could die..which is fine by me..i've accepted that factor...i'm scared for what the end result is going to bring..but then i turn around and i'm nervous..because i dont know what th end result is going to be..what is going to happen to me when i'm done transitioning? That's really it..after all these mountains i've climed emotionally mentally and physically it'll be done...or will it? Are my identity issues going to be there forever? and will a transmarch really do it for me? i'm happy as hell though because i can't imagine me having a man's chest..i've gotten so accustomed to living miserably with what i have that i cant' imagine not having that huge inconvience in life all the way around..i'll be me..normal..then i find myself getting so overwhelmed with excitement and butterflies i feel like i'm going to puke..but then i'll find myself getting angry with the fact that i even have to deal with everything i've dealt with just to be me..ya know..its all too consuming with my entire life and nobody around me gets it or understands so here i am alone once again fighting to get through the waves and tides of transitioning..phew..i need to chill..post soon..until then..later....

hey everyone..another post..for another day..i'm troubled..so i'm on here today to share to y'all whats bothering me..well like i said in my earlier post that i finally have been able to post vids on youtube..which is fantastic..but friday night my mom watched my video and called me crying 3 times..she cant' believe how much i've changed and that shes obviously been in denial about the entire transition..she said she kept looking in my eyes in teh video and couldn't see the person she gave birth to..and she doesnt' know the man that i am..and shes really freaking out about my transition..and i feel like fucking stuck like i dont know whta to do or even how to react..i'm getting surgery here in about a week which is gonna be a huge durastic change and i mention that to her and she cries harder saying i know and i can't be there..so now i feel awful for not having her come with me so guess what i'm going to do..ask her if she wants to come..if that'll help ease her mind then so be it..maybe she can keep jasmin company..i'll be knocked out quite a bit i'm sure..but its just taking me for a whirlwind because i thought she was on her way to accepting it and realizing she has a son now..but nope she has been oblivious this entire time..its really fucking with me..and like i said i dont knwo what to do..so i wanted to come on here to vent..and ask for any ideas or advice? i love my mom very much and it being hard on her is making it extremley hard on me..oh no..drop a comment please!!!!! post soon until then..later...

hey everyone..another post for another week..i remember this title for T..lol..funny how fast time has past..i put a new video on youtube..finally have my computer up and running at home so these should be more regularly..i'm really late this time but i had to take a sudden trip to indiana because my uncle and 8 year old cousin were killed in a housefire..so i had to go be with the family..it was the first time i was seeing my dad since before t and the other family members since i was 8..i was really nervous..i rode the greyhound and passed the entire way up there and back..when i got down there my dad had explained everything to everyone and they were made aware..my dad introduced me to all of his high school friends as his son..i was stoked about it..well i called last week adn paid for my surgery..its all paid for..my therapist said she'd fax up my letter..they said they'd call me when they got it..that was earlier this week and i haven't been called..so i'm gonna fax up there tomorrow my damn self from work..i have the letter too..then i'll be getting a call from teh nurse with pre op instructions and we'll head up there may 4th surgery is may 5th...i'm nervous as hell..but i think everything will be okay..the outcome is what i'm looking forward to..well anyways..i'll post again soon..now that i have a puter..until then...later...

hey everyone..another post for another week...i finally have all the money i need for surgery..i have materalized 6000 dollars..and am ready to go for may 5th..so now i'm just counting down..today is my 24th bday..this last year has gone by sooo fast..but i'm finally slowing down at work..i've quit smoking..doing everything i can do to prepare for surgery the best i can..i gave myself my shot on wed and i hit a vein..i blacked out..there was sooo much blood..but i got through it..the doc said that it wouldn't be the last time that happens..i'm putting a needle in me every ten days..so expect it..other than that..thigns are good..just getting nervous and excited for may and getting my head where it needs to be..anyways better go...post next week..until then..later....