hey everyone...another post..for another day...i'm 13 days post op today..the surgery center called me back about that infection adn i sent them pictures..the doc emailed me saying that theres a bit of skin loss on my left nipple but to not worry it'll be okay and to keep applying ointment to it twice a day then email him a pic in a week so thursday..but i'm noticing that my right nipple is looking similar they're not gross or anything so im thinking its the healing process..its been nearly two weeks and i've had quite a few first times..i'm so stoked about everything...we had a bbq yesterday for my brother he graduates high school today..but anyways..his gf came to pick me up and i was in the backseat of her car with the windows down it was like 80 degrees out..and the wind was blowing and my shirt was going crazy in the wind beating against my bare chest..it felt unreal..i couldn't stop smiling..it felt so comfortable..i'm so use to that binder that i nearly feel naked all the time but its perfect..i went out to check the mail yesterday and a gal was across the street i had no shirt on and she hollered over and asked if my name was john..i said nope..and walked back inside but with my chest surgery i feel like i'll never be mistaken for female and thats a feeling i'm trying to adjust to..i mean my entire life i've always dealt with "is that a boy or a girl" and now i'm just a boy..to have and be reconized for only one gender is a feeling that lets me know i'm now able to begin the life that ive been given..i'm so excited to wake up in th emonring adn thats crazy for me.. i never thought id live to see 18 and then when i did i figured i wotn live to see 24 and now here i am and transitioned for the most part..when i look in the mirror at teh man staring back its still hard to believe mentally..it makes me want to find my first love when i was 15..we were together for 3 years i was her boyfriend and she ended up leaving me because i wasnt male bodied..and it destroyed every part of me..i went through a heartbreak unimaginable..and its been nearly impossible for me to love since then..and now i'm finding out what loving myself means and how it feels to love myself and nwo i can open up myself to love..i dont want to be wtih my ex i just want her to knwo that i've finally transitioned like we always talked about..i'm finally me..i'm free...i'm able to look ahead to life..i am now a human being that is happy and loves life..i dont shower in the dark anymore..i'm not afraid of mirrors..when i get hot at night i dont uncover my legs i uncover my chest...everything that made me hide is gone..going out in public isnt' an issue..i dont dread it..i dont stay couped up at home because of the stares and snickers..i know what its like to sit at supper in a restraunt and not have everyone staring at me and who im with..i know what its like to just be the next joe..and i've never been able to feel that before..a new life for a new me..post soon..until then..later...

hey everyone..another post..i'm sooo bored being laid up at home..i was working all that overtime to pay for my surgery..and now i have 6 weeks off from work..what to do..i have lots of things to do..like crosswords...tv..internet..sketch paper..video games..blah blah blah...i'm still bored..at least my dog is home now...he stayed with my mom while i was away for surgery..i missed the little guy...i think theres a problem though..with my left nipple..grrr..maybe i'm just being way over paranoid..but i dont know..i'm suppose to wear bandaids and neosporin for a week on my nipples which i've done...the week woudl be concluded tomorrow..but my left nipple looks all gooey and just not right..at least compared to my right nipple which is looking really good..scabby..but that's good..maybe i need to air them out..i remember when i would get cuts as a kid my mom would only let me wear a band aid for so long..because air helps heal..so i've taken my band aids off today and i'm giong to see if that helps...the pain is mimnimal today..but maybe becaues i got my pill prescription refilled..yay..pills..i like..lol...i called the surgery center and was transferred to a voicemail of course..i left a message..i'm hoping i can email pics of my nips to dr johnson since i live out of town..fingers crossed hope for the best..the white stripping is starting to fall off..in spots..i'm pretty sure i'm healing okay..i'm just really worried about that left nipple..well i'll post and let y'all know what he says..anyways better run..post soon..until then...later...

hey everyone..today is 9 days post op..i've been home since last friday the 9th..we arrived a day early so we could familirize ourselves with the area..this way we'd know exactly where we were going...we settled into our hotel which was 6 miles down the road from the surgery center..the hotel sat on the same road..i could barely sleep that night i was so excited..we had to be at the surgery center monday by 1130am...i couldnt' eat anything past midnight the night before..so going all morning without food or water was awfully hard..i like breakfast..its my favorite meal of the day..lol..we arrived..they checked me in put a bracelet on my wrist and said it'd be a few minutes..before i knew it they called me back..a nurse named lynda..she was awfully nice..she could tell i was nervous immediatley..she did a very good job trying to calm my nerves..she asked me a few basic questions then told me to gt down to my boxers and a gown..so i did as requested..i took a moment and looked at myself in the mirror..it was going to be the last time i seen my chest..i smiled took a deep breath then went and met lynda near room 4 where she told me to hop into the bed..i did..she started the iv in my hand took my vitals and got everything set up for the ekg's..then another nurse came in explained the process to me made sure i understood..then the anesteologist came in..told me the procedure he does..i told him i was really anxious about giong under..he eased my nerves..lynda said she was going to start some medicine in my iv that'll relax me..its exactly what it did too..i was way mellowed...dr johnson then came in had me stand up as he marked my chest..explained some things to me..then they asked if i was ready..i said sure...they wheeled me into the operating room..i took a look around they had me move onto another bed which was about as wide as i am..then the anesteologist said okay i'm gonna start..i said okay and then i was waking up puking my guts up...i looked down i had a binder on with two bulb like things containing blood..those were my drains..i was in pain..my chest was on fire..felt like i was buring from the outside in..i puked some more than passed back out..i woke up a bit later and they got me dressed helped me into the wheelchair wheeled me out to the truck..i hoped in adn went back to the hotel..where i passed otu for pretty much the next four days..the pain was minimal but i was doped up on drugs most of the week..i had a followup appt with the doc on friday at 8 am..so we stayed in the hotel all week...when i got to the office he came in took off my binder and all the dressings..he then removed the drains which was the worst part i think of the entire ordeal..he said on the count of three take a deep breath..which i did..and he yanked them out..i felt them slither like a snake i nearly fainted..he laid me down took the staples off the dressings around my nipples..then explained post op instructions for me and left..i have to go back june 12th..but i stood up and for the first time went over to the mirror and looked at my chest..my heart dropped and tears fell..i couldn't believe what i was seeing..my chest was flat it looked so good..contoured very nicely..nipples were in the right places..i was amazed...we left and headed for home and all icould think of was the things i was gonna get to do without a shirt on once i was healed..we got home and i've pretty much done the same thing i did while i was up there take it easy and sleep alot..eat pills and sleep..its painful it is..but its okay i know it'll pass and when it does i'm gonna get to live the life i haven't gotten to yet..i'm excited for the future i'm excited to wake up tomorrow..i'm excited for everything that lays ahead adn for the first time in my life i can say i feel comfortable...very comfortable with myself..i haven't really gotten to go out and about yet but when i do i'll post that first time..i have se veral first times ahead of me..i've posted a few pics i'll post more later...i'm officially post op..the doc said the white tape will fall off as the stitches dissolve..the red dots around my nipples are where the staples were...anyways..post soon..before this gets toooooo long..until then...later....

hey everyone..another post for another day...monday is the biggest day of my life....i haven't been able to sleep the last few days..my excitement and nerves have been battling each other..ive been up and down about everything all week..but i'm finally okay..i'm ready..nervous but i'm ready..mentally adn physically prepared..i cant' believe this day is finally here..i have prayed for this my entire life..since i have a memory..and its finally happening..i can't even imagine life afterwards..what just a tshirt feels like against my skin..what a womans breasts feels like against my chest..kisses..touches..just her laying her head on my chest..to not sit hunched over..to swim in public..to take my shirt off outside..to not jump when a buddy tries to give me a titty twister..to have my life completed..i always thought this was unobtainable..and its in the palm o fmy hand...and i cant wait..some of you have followed my blog through my entire transition..i love you guys..be thinking of me monday at noon when im getting prepped..i'll be keeping a written blog while im in nebraska..then when i get home i'll post those entries here..this way you'll know exactly what was going on...i gotta finish packing..i'll post as soon as i return in a week...until then.....later...