hey everyone..i have some thoughts on my head that i want to get down...i was outside earlier tonight shirtless staring at the stars and all i could think was what a beautiful sky what a beautiful life..the breeze blowing against my skin..tickling the whiskers on my chin..each breath i took in another reason i found to appreciate everything in my life..but then..i stop and i think about how i use to look to the stars and wish i was one of them..having to not feel anything..in just 9 months so far i've already come to love life and begin to love myself..and i probably talk about this alot in my posts but theres that thing...that gender identity..in the back of my mind..i look back to everything in my life and know that my identity issues played a role in everything i did day to day..its unbelievable how much my gender identity has controlled my life and now i'm taking the opprotunity to take control of it instead...theres so many people around me who find what i'm doing intresting..not like i'm a freak but like its the uniqueness about me that everyone has inside themselves...then theres those people who find it repulsive..and it feels soo good and right and i cant' seem to figure out why everyone around me can't see that too..i know that the majority of people think of male to females when you talk of transsexuals..they tend to forget about female to males because we are such a small group of indiviuals...so i come along and its new..and its different...and its something that you should keep to yourself..well i did for years..until i couldn't anymore..i tell them its like having cancer...if you did you'd choose to take chemo to make yourself better..so you can live..then they always say no its different you dotn choose to have cancer you're choosing to do this..that word..CHOOSE...is a stickler..yes in a sense i'm choosing to transition but i'm doing it to save my life..so i can live..to make myself better..everything in my life right now feels right and i'm to the point where i'm okay with not understanding those people..i'm okay..i'm gonna do it all anyways..stealth is coming around very soon..my girlfriend and i are gonna move outta state next spring..so that way i can go stealth..that's scary..i'm finding the comfortableness with my masculinity...but its still intense to think about leaving behind the life i lived for 23 years and letting it disappear..i will be able to have lived any life i want to..nobody will know me or who i am..and that's fine by me..but its still scary..i think about it all the time..well i wanted to get these thoughts out..thanks for the ear..post soon..until then..later...

hey everyone...another post for another day..things here on my end are coming along rather swell..i go back to work in 2 weeks and 2 days adn i'm coutning down...i cant' wait..i've enjoyed the break away from work dont get me wrong..been awhile since i've lived with little stress..but on the same hand..i cant' wait to get back to work to get back into my everyday groove with my new chest..its makes everything so much better...i get excited to walk into walmart or a gas station even..its insane..all the scabs have fallen off my nipples..yay..stripping is on in two places yet..and my mobility is coming back..its a good thing..but anyways..my name change..i went up to the court house on the 27th to petition for my name change..i wasn't able to do anything but take the paperwork home because it cost 147.00 dollars to file..so as soon as i get back to work i'll return the paperwork with the money..then they said it takes 4-6 weeks for my court date to be set..then another few weeks to wait for the court date..so its going to be a long process of waiting..then i'll take that judge signed documentation down to the social security building and get my name changed on there..the paperwork will also be sent to vital statistics for my birth certificate..along with a letter from my surgeon and therapist explaining my transition..i can then take all of that paperwork up to the dept of motor vehicles and get everything changed over on all my identification..in the state of kansas by law you legally have to have sexual reassignment surgery before you can change your gender and my chest surgery counts..so now i wait..i'm so excited..that's pretty much the final step in my transition..theres a huge spectrum of indiviuals..some people have to completley change thier entire bodies to feel comfortable..and some dont even need to take hormones or have surgery to feel okay..and some people just want thier chest surgery and not hormones...but with me..i needed hormones..and chest surgery..i feel complete..i'm okay with whats between my legs because a penis doesn't make you a man..and i was born with that lived my entire life with it..its all i know..but my chest came later in life so they were foreign to me...so my transition is slowly coming to an end..and thats scary..but lots of physical changes left to endure with the hormones..anyways..thanks for listening..gotta jet..things to do..post soon..until then..later..

hey everyone..another post for another day...finally i got sleep last night..i took some tylenol pm and i passed out..and slept really good..today is my best friends surgery..she has to get gal stones removed..i'm taking her to the hospital..she says i dont have to wait there but well obviously i'm going too..what if something goes wrong..she'll need someone there..healing is still going well..i go back to work in 3 weeeks..yay..i cant' wait..anyways..i'm posting a pic in the gallery..take care...post soon..until then..later..

hey everyone..another day in paradise..not..i have insomnia i think...blah..must be withdrawls from the pain meds i was on..i've been off of them for about a week now..and in the last week i've probably had 8 hours of sleep..that can't be good for my healing process..so i went today and bought some tylenol pm..just took a few two hours ago...i'm not asleep yet..blah..i hope that i'll come out of this very very soon..i like sleep..i think that not only is it the pills but i'm a stomach sleeper and for three weeks i've done nothing but sleep on my back and that's all i can still do...so my legs start cramping up from not being able to reposition myself and it wakes me up and i cant' get back to sleep..other than that..my chest is looking fantastic..the scabs have fallen off of my nipples so now i just have nipples and its funny to see just my nipples..the pain is minimal but it hurts to wear a shirt when i wear a shirt or have a blanket on my chest it burns so i try not to..most of the stripping has fallen off too..i'll post a pic tomorrow..not enough light to do so now..but anyways..i think i'm gonna go try adn pass out..post soon...until then..later...

hey everyone...another day for another post..i'm just hanging around listening to music..my mom fell off the wagon again monday night..she's back to day one of being sober..it really drives me crazy but i've come to accept everything that has happened in my life..she's my mom and i love her no matter what..so it didnt make me angry like it use to..just kinda disappointed me but i know that i must be hard to recover and i can't hate her for trying..so i dedicated the song Accidents Can Happen by Sixx AM..its on my www.myspace.com/patsdevotee...that's my myspace page...anyways it made her cry..i guess you could say it was my way of communicating with her..it was a sappy moment...but it helps her get through hard times..anyways..enough my mom..now to me..its 38 weeks on T and i find myself forgetting that i'm on t..its just becoming such a routine like part of my life..i had to check my calendar even to see how many weeks it has been..52 is a year so i'm getting there fast..my chest surgery has consumed a big part of my everyday life mentally too..im changing more and more everyday and its fantastic..its my world right now..I remember when my boss pulled me into the office to tell me that i need to quit talking about it because its personal and that she understood it was new and easy to talk about...i just chuckled to myself..its not new..its something i've lived my entire life..from as far back as i can remember as a child..i'm just out of the closet and i guess you could say that was new..but not really because i have been on and off in my life..but to actually physically transition is personal i understand but lots of people want to be educated..i only every talked about it when people asked questions..its funny though..the one to tell me to quit talking aout it is the first person to ask to see my chest..funny how it works that way..theres a showing of transamerica at this local christian church this saturday...the tta was invited so i'm going..i've watned to see transamerica and who knows maybe i'll finally get to meet another ftm..as well all know i'd love to..but i've posted a 2 weeks post op pic in my gallery..everything seems to be healing great and the pain is becoming very minimal..i have only two pain pills left but i've only been taking two a day so kinda weening myself off of them i reckon...anyways before this post gets crazy long i'm gonna relax a bit..i go back to work june 17th can't wait..today is my favorite residents bday and i'm not there..agh if only 90 year olds had myspace pages! post soon..until then..later..