hey everyone..another post for another day..i've been thinking alot lately about going stealth...going stealth to me is a huge opprutunity to live in the world as the gender i should have always been..so that consists of moving away..which i look forward to very much..but theres aspects of stealth that get me thinking..the way women treat women is way different than the way women treat men..and i've been living in the world as male but identified as trans..so everyone knows i'm the girl becoming a boy..or the boy who use to be a girl..i cant' wait to rid of that label..but ont he same hand because of everyone knowing that i think they still treat me differently than they do actual men..women are very endearing..they tend to understand things in a way different perspective than men..like people trusting thier children with a woman than a man or how women accept gay men more than men..or the fact that women are more likely to take someone under thier wing then men are..so i believe women treat me nearly the same as they treat another woman..versus a man..because in thier heads they know i'm biologically female...so i think about the future and going stealth and loosing that relationship i carry with women..most of my friends are women and they are the greatest people in teh world..but they get me..when we move it'll be like having to transition all over again but in a "real" way vs a "trans" way..women aren't gong to treat me the same..they'll treat me like they treat a man..and since i'm not quite sure how that goes yet i'm nervous..i wonder how i'm giong to have to act around women..what i should or shouldnt' say..its going to be a challenge..i'm nto worried about men..because men are very simple..where as women are complex..they have many many layers to them..with men..you get what you see and we're all alike..i can get very emotional with my friends here if i feel the need..but all that will disappear when i go stealth..its scary..it relays back to the beginning thoughts of fearing the unknown..will i be able to adjust to the new life quickly enough so nobody will know i'm different? or am i just over thinking everything? i catch myself doing things now that are still female related or at least thats how i feel..wether its the flick of the head or the way i say something..i'm trying to eliminate those things but they pop up on me and take me by surprise and i catch them immediatley after i say or do those things and i get down on myself because i'm afraid it makes it obvious i'm bio female...it can really fill my head for long periods of time thinking this stuff over..but going stealth will be here before i know it..i reckon its just antoher day in paradise...post soon...until then...later....

hey everyone..another post for another day..i was pretty down yesterday but it was the day before my shot..emotions and stuff tend to go up and down..i had my shot today..i'm gonna guess it was around my 26 or 27th shot..i just wanted to talk about my physical changes a little bit..the hair on my toes have come in really thick and dark on all 5 :)...my feet are thicker my watersocks from last summer dont fit anymore..my legs including my thighs have just been growing hair like a cornfield..everywhere..pretty dark too..my calves have gotten more muscle tone but the shape of my legs have changed alot too..more masculine not so big persay..my thighs are hard as rocks and as thick as horses..my hips have disappeared alot but theres still some fat there that'll redistribute...down south my stuff is getting much bigger..it keeps growing..it gets hard too..and then flacid..my libido is incredibly high..they say it levels out..i wonder when? my belly has gotten rounder and the hair is everywhere and dark its really starting to come in on my chest...the hair on my chest is a bit blondish yet..and my pecs amaze me...they are so very masculine..and in the last two weeks i've noticed my shoulders have really shaped up and broadned..i've been lifting alot too though..my arms are hairy too..kinda blondish but i think thats more from the sun than anything..its all over my hands and knuckles very noticable..my hands and fingers are very much thicker too..my shoulders and back are all growing hair rapidly..my face has thinned way out..no more chubby cheeks :)...my sideburns have gotten thicker..but nto longer yet :(...my hair line is receding..badly..and i had such thick hair and its really thinned out alot too..my ears have more hair on them and an adams apple is forming..the hair on my face is in pretty good..i've shaved it a few times but its hard for me to cuz i like seeing it..its noticable as well..my skin is much more oily..and acne everywhere on my face..thats kinda sucky...i've lost a total of 73 pounds..none of my clothes fit me anymore..and my jeans totally sit on me differently..all in all my changes are really noticalbe..i pass 100% of the time..last time i was called ma'am was before chest surgery..but here in the last month i've noticed alot of changes physically so i wanted to share them with you and for my journey documentation..well post soon..until then..later...

hey everyone..another post for another day..its really funny how so many feelings and emotions can occur during my transition..its like an up and down rollercoaster ride and i'm trying to fit it all together..theres so many days where i feel like the man i'm becoming and feeling comfortable..and i do..but then theres days where my lower genitailia brings me dysphoria (unhappiness)...i always say i can handle my genitailia because i was born with it and have had it my entire life where as my chest came later on so it was foreign to me..but there are times when i dont feel that way at all..when i see myself i dont see what i have and things like using the restroom..an dhaving to use a stp device (stand to pee) that i bought online can really suck..so badly do i just want to be able to whip it out like every other man..but i cant'..instead i have to wear a harness with my packy just to feel comfortable..when i'm in the bedroom and i have to stop mid action to strap it on sucks...i joke with people all the time about how i'm lucky because i get to pick my size..but really inside i'm hating myself for it..however..i love being touched now and thats something that has changed..i never let anyone touch me i cringed at every touch..no kisses..no hugs nothing..i hid away from others affectionatley..but now i love being touched it feels soo good..i still despise the lower part of my body..nobody knows whats really in your pants...they just assume with your outward appearance which is fine everyone will assume i do have a penis..but i know that i dont..and it can be sucky...and really bring me down..i feel like the boy with a vagina..and as ridicilous that sounds..is how ridicilous it feels..all i can do is accept it..i will never have the lower surgery..way too painful..expensive..and you loose all sensation..i now like being touched so why get rid of it ya know...who knows where i lay on the spectrum of transgenders but i feel isolated sometimes because i'v enever met another transguy..but theres a good chance i can move to omaha nebraska in a month or so it'd be before my name and gender change but close enough to where i could go to my court dates..but the going up there and having to give all that information to a place of employment or housing development..makes me want to change my mind..because after i got my name changed i'd have to let them know..and out would come me and that doesn't help me being stealth..but i was also thinking since theres nearly half a million people id be okay...theres choices here in my near future that i'm having to make..and they're complicated but i'm getting there..one day i'll be exactly where i need to be..and i will work hard towards that goal..post soon..until then..later....

ps new pic in gallery

Hey everyone...another post..sorry its been so long..i've been working alot to catch up finacially from sugery..i've just been thinking alot lately..and i've noticed that my soul and who i am has carried over with me in my transition..but so many things about me have changed too...i'm a different person..im a man now..and the world views men differently...to go from being a white female to a white privileged male in our society is a huge change..from the way im tlaked to treated the way women look at me...women are very flirtatious and they wonder why we're horny all the time..lol..they give you looks out of the corner of thier eyes that say things that wont ever happen lol..my body matches my identity now..i'm accepting the life i lived for so many years..but its hard sometimes because i wish i could have lived my childhood in my gender..i took a friends daughter to the dentist and another little boy walked in and the dental asst said right this way mister..and it made me smile but at the same time frown because i missed out on all those little things that make you who you are..i'm a new male..i didn't grow up being male so i'm still learning how to fit in the world as male..my transition exists every day..yes i'll have the next 60 years as male but the first 24 years of my life i will miss every day of my life...i've been reborn into who i am..and now i begin my journey down a mended path..my body is no longer my enemy..i have forgiven it..i look in the mirror and i dont see the girl i was..i see the man i am now....its a feeling in its own..post soon..until then..later...