hey everyone..phew been a few days..but i've been rather busy..you tube hasn't been letting me download any videos..blah..had another therapy appt today it went okay..just sticking it out so i can get my letter for top surgery...speaking of...i had my consultation today with my surgeon..dr perry johnson out of omaha nebraska..it took us 4 hours to get there because of a snow/ice storm we had today..roads weren't so bad on the way back..but i met the dr..he was a rather nice guy..promptly anwsered all my questions i had..explained everything to me in detail so i knew what would be going on..he made me take my shirt off..so i did..he was pointing out where incisions would be which is fine but my legs felt like rubberbands..like they were going to collapse out from underneath me but i did okay..i got through it..its going to be 6000 bucks which i have to pay 2 weeks prior to surgery..awesome..which my surgery is scheduled for May 5th 2008 at 12:30pm...i can't wait..i'm going to get construction paper and make a chest surgery chain with the numbered days written on each link and as the day ends i'll rip one away..its a way for me to countdown..once again when i left his office i was smiling like i did when i got my first t shot..i'm so excited and nervous at the same time..also..my voice has dropped again..its getting deeper instead of just scratchy..and the hairs on my arms are starting to come in much darker than before..lots of changes..but i'm exhausted just spent most of the day in a vehicle..so i'm off to bed..i've posted a new pic..post soon..until then..later...

hey everyone..another day for another post...im suppose to get my shot today...but i have to wait until tomorrow..thats when my doc's gonna be at the clinic..she allows me to come in for free so if i have another doc there do it..i'll be charged..so i'm waiting until tomorrow..which is fine..but i did wake up this morning not in such a good mood..blah..i was testy..i reckon its time for my shot..haha.. my mother is recovering from alcohol and drug abuse as i've mentioned in earlier posts..23 years of my life with her haven't been the greatest..i'm trying to find the respect and the forgiveness inside of me that i should have for her..but its just not there..i look at her and get angry inside even though she is sober..i hear her voice and i want to scream..its all this hate that has built up over the years of her what she calls "blackout".. she says i need to forgive her and not dwell on the past..but the problem is..i'm not dwelling on the past..the past is dwelling on me..i hate that..i wish it wasn't..but how do you go about trying to overcome everything that has happened in your life and learn to love those around you that you've hated for so long? i can't just wake up and forgive all the things she's done or give her the respect she wants from me..we just started talking again three months ago..and now i'm living here..everything has moved so fast..she says she feels like shes walking on eggshells around me...well what the fuck..after all the shit we've been through its hard to look at her and smile..blah..i sound so evil..but theres so much bad blood there its going to take time to replace it with good blood..she has to get to know me..i'll say things everyday and her response is "oh i didn't know that about you" and all i can think is well you should been that way my whole life..i have to get to know her too..the only person i know is evil..hurtful..and vindictive..i know she's changing but i have to know that person before i can let go of the person i know..the only person i know within her..blah..she wants me to go to a support group for family members of recovering alcoholics..i dont want to..i probably should for her..just to make an effort like she has in my transition..but fuck..aa is all about god..and i just dont get the whole god thing..it doens't make sense to me and i dont want to sit in a group whos all about god because by all means i am not..if god is what is going to get her through this time in her life..thats fantastic for her..but for me however.. i dont believe in god..nor do i want to because it just doesn't add up to me..so therefore it'd be difficult to go to this group and talk when all they want to talk about is god..i'm too old for imaginary friends..its not my thing..i'm not devoting my time to something or someone that people live thier complete lives for..i live my life for me..nobody else..ecspecially a character out of a fairy tale...anyways..i'm on a rampage..like i said..not in a good mood today..blah..life in the deep end...post soon..until then..later...

hey everyone..another day..another post..my voice has dropped twice this week! its unbelieveable..i barely am called ma'am on the phone! its such an amazing feeling to finally become who i am..im loving every minute of it..i dont want it to end..i finally know what its like to feel happy..anyways..i was randomly selected at work for a drug screen...i passed..nervous as hell..but i passed! i decided to shave my face tonight...i didn't really want to and haven't wanted to because i love seeing the peach fuzz..but everyone keeps telling me it'll come in thicker if i do..so i did..and i only knicked myself once..i run my fingers across my shaven face and it feels rough..way rougher than it ever has..funny to see no hair there again..but on teh same note..its rougher..i'm really excited for my top surgery consultation next week..my friend brenda is gonna go with me..we're gonna eat at the old spaghetti works..i love that place..they only have three and they're all in nebraska..so i'm counting down..i really need to gain the courage to give myself the injections..because i should go saturday for my shot..but i have to wait until sunday because thats when the doc is in..which isn't a big deal..but i want to give them to myself at home...so that way when t day comes round..i can just come home after work and give myself my shot..works for me..we'll see how it goes..the doc is making me more paranoid about giving myself the shot than i am..so i just need to ask her to back off and let me do this..i'll keep y'all posted..until then..later....

hey everyone..told ya i'd post today..so here i am..left work a bit early today..been having alot on my mind..i did however..set up my consultation for my top surgery..its next thursday in nebraska..i can't wait and am overexcited for it..i'll post details on it later..its very intresting to take a look at how the t affects me mentally..sometimes it throws me off guard cuz i'll catch the difference in the way i do things..for example..at work the other day we were putting up xmas deco and i had to do the main hallway with this other guy adn two kids..well i was hanging the garland up and here comes my boss..she said you guys aren't fluffing it..i nearly fell off the ladder..i hadn't even thought about fluffing it..she told me to hang it so i did..when i know pre t i would have made sure i made it look "pretty" but it didnt' even occur to me..a few things like that have been happening over the last week or so..and it stuns me to realize how differently i look at things now..or at least starting to..i'm falling into the mold of a man and it feels awesome..different..but very awesome..they start random drug testing at work today..glad i left early..hope i dont get one..but with my luck..that's how it'll go..anyways..other than that not alot of other changes have occured..i'll be posting a pic of me here in a second..so check it out..week 12! post soon...until then..later....

hey everyone...another day for another post...i have a feeling this post is going to be kind of lengthy..i apologize ahead of time for that..but i have alot on my head right now..things are changing wicked fast..all at once it feels even though its really been over a course of time..i never realized how much i truly hid from myself..i did terrible things all the time to people and things for no reason other than i really didn't care about anything..not me or anyone.. i hated who i was so i never cared to get to know me..i locked it away and existed..that's it..i didn't care who i hurt even if it was me..and now since i've started taking hormones..i'm starting to come alive in a sense and actually feel..and its very scary to feel..i look back on everything that has happened in my life and noticed i never felt anything cuz i didn't care..and now im starting to and accepting or at least trying to accept everything in my life..its very complicated and sometimes doesn't even make sense in my head.. my entire life was an illusion that i just got through..it didn't lead me to where i am now..well in a sense maybe but realistically it didn't..at least to me it didn't..i'm trying to grasp the reality of being happy..i've never known that emotion..ever..all i've ever known is anger..i'm adjusting but its difficult..it keeps taking me down all these emotinal and mental paths that its making me feel blah at times..not neccssarily in a bad way...but just blah..everyone keeps telling me to give it to a higher power but i dont understand that..it just doesn't make sense to me..its my battles so why try to give them away? then they say just set it to the side and try to focus on positive things and get back to it when i feel i can..well..my entire life i always put everything single thing to the side and told myself i'd get back to it..and then never did..just let it build up inside of me..i fear that will happen again..i'm trying to grow out of that person..and its a process..i'm working through the motions though..step at a time...but on a good note..my voice dropped again and three days ago..i was called a sir on teh phone!!! it was soo exciting i've never passed on the phone or in drive thrus..so that made my day...i have lots more to say..but am running out of time..i'm going to post again tomorrow..until then..later...