hey everyone...another day another post..i woke up this morning feeling awful..i think i drank too much last night but damn ku was lossing miserably..it was fun..i love hanging out with the guys..its just where i feel most comfortable..its hard to come home drunk to a house that is trying to be sober..its like our vices dont mix..which is fine..but i do understand what my mom is going through as much as i don't understand..we're both facing transitions..hers is from a life of being absent from herself and everyone else to being a person that feels..thinks..and dreams..as to where i'm coming from a life of being absent from myself because i disliked myself very much to a life where i'll be someone who feels..thinks..and dreams..on the contrary..its two very different paths..its hard for me to listen to my mom talk about becoming who she is..her being absent our whole lives is who we know..so right now it doesn't hurt because thats who she is..but now she's changing and when get to finally see the healthy person that we never had..that'll hurt..like a son of a bitch..i'll be so sad..but i'll be very proud of her..our paths are so similar..broken paths...that are in the process of being mended..i can be strong for her...if she can be strong for me..her son..for the first time in both of our lives..they couldn't of happened any sooner...it wouldn't have ever worked..its a stretch..but i take one step at a time..better eat some lunch..post soon..until then..later...

hey everyone..another post for another day..i started this blog because i really wanted to document my transition...i was excited for the physical changes to occur that i somewhat forgot the mental changes that were gonna happen..i said i was going to be the same person i always had been..i didn't realize at the time that i would change as a person..my soul doesn't change but me as a person does..i can tell that already..i never understood what lucy meant by i dont know who i'm getting but i know who i'm loosing...but now i know what she meant..christian is fading away..as jake is coming of..its incredible to change from one gender to another..to have to sit down and really accept the person you were before..i accept the fact that i was christian and everything that made christian..but i'm changing and i need to figure out what parts of christian will carry over with me into jake..its complicated i've realized..if the t could physically make me a man tomorrow i'd say no and i'd go through it like it is..i'm having to mentally prepare myself for who i'm going to be physically..so i can face the world as the man i am..phew..i'm talkative today but have been thinking alot about everything thats going on in my life and the changes that are occuring..its a ride and a journey...and i'm on it..walking the shoes of a hundred men! post soon..until then later....

hey everyone..hope y'all had a great turkey day..mine was excellent..tons of great food..yum..i wanted to take a moment to post a message reconizing my little brother..i haven't quite done that yet and he's one of the main reasons i'm still here today..he's 18 and i practically raised the kid...i hadn't really ever taken a chance to ask how he felt about my transition...i have been his "big sister" for years..we went outside the other day and i just started asking him questions about it..he is the most open minded person i have yet to meet..he told me he has been telling people i am his brother since he was 9..he vividly remembers everything that told him i was male..he said i spent every day with you even slept in the same bed and you think i didn't know you were male..i thought i had covered it up awfully well my entire life..but he knew..of course he did though..he's my wingman and has been since he was born..i love that kid more than anything in this world..as we were finishing with our conversation..he said my pail grants come in next month and i'm going to get your chest surgery for you for xmas because i know it'll impact the happiness in your life... i couldn't believe what i heard...i told him that was the nicest thing anyone has ever said or wanted to do for me..but i can't let him do that...he needs those for school..i can save up..i have no problem doing so..thats been my plan this whole time..but the fact that he offered..tells me..thats my brother..and i love the kid! post soon..until then...later...

hey everyone...11 weeks today!!! i'm excited..my voice has dropped again..incredibly noticable too...everyone at work has noticed..i'm going to go get my shot here in a bit..not alot of other changes have been happening..i'm kind of flustered right now..had a long day and its snowing..blah..so i'm off i have things to do! post soon until then..later...

ps new pic in the gallery

hey everyone..another day...haha..work is going swell..we are in the process of hiring someone for our department..one of our members put in her two weeks but then decided to pull a no call no show..blah..that's okay though..life goes on..i still haven't had my menses which is ecstatic..i go in for my shot on wednesday..i didn't have much of any emotional rollercoaster ride this cycle..but whos to say my body is adjusted yet..i'm in the process of preparing myself mentally for the physical changes that are coming..i always told myself when i transition there wont be a whole lot to unlearn..i was wrong..or so i've noticed..just simple things like cooing at babies..not so cool when a guy does it..or when you bump into another guy on accident you just simply say "sorry buddy" and not oh my gosh i'm so sorry i didnt mean to..guys seem to be more reserved than females..they always say its the other way around..bullshit..guys just hang back and wait for things to happen persay..where as women make things happen..at the bar guys will patiently wait for their server to bring them a beer..where women will make sure they get the servers attention.. things not alot of people take huge notice to..but for the last few weeks..i've been watching guys very carefully and studying them so i know how to become who i need to be..and its intresting how you're just thrust into a gender denominated world..men are this way and women are that way..so in turn i do have some things i need to unlearn..but i am..and thats why i say i have to mentally prepare myself for the changes..its an amazing journey..complicatd..but great..post soon..until then..later...