hey everyone..have the day off today..gonna do some fishing..clear my mind..but there is a week 8 pic in the gallery..check it out..lemme know if i'm looking any different! post soon..until then..later...

hey everyone!! HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!! and happy 8 weeks on T to me! i get my shot today and i can't wait..this emotional bullshit gets on my nerves..i went to a high school football game last night rossville beat oskaloosa 19-0..its the playoffs and that was one hell of a game..i was rooting for rossville..my friends brother plays for them and he's a senior so when ever and if ever they loose it'll be his last game..which was obvious that kid played quarterback..place kicker..wide reciever..tight end..left tackle.. he had lots of ball action..anyways..i'm going to work today dressed up as a troll..haha it'll be fun..lucy and i are doing okay..we really are she's my rock and i wouldn't be held up without her..i'm just going through things right now and she's backing up a little bit because she doesn't want to loose me and thats fantastic and once i'm done being such an asshole things will fall back into place..oh and my upper lip...lots of dark hairs..everyone keeps calling it my 5 o'clock shadow..i'm loving it..i couldn't see it as much a few days ago but now its really coming in..i'm super stoked! anyways..i really like hanging out in rossville..my friends dad is a huge patriots fan which totally rocks..and i pass to everyone out there..nobody knows i'm female bodied i think thats why i like spending so much time out there..but i have to be careful..its a very small town in kansas...that could be dangerous..but i think i'll be okay..anyways..better run..out the door to work..post soon..until then..later...

blah...that's how i'm gonna start off this post because thats how i feel...today me and a co worker went down to the basement to get prizes for the bingo cart..and i just lost it..i started crying my fucking eyes out like a little girl..crazy..i know..but i feel like i've lost my mind..i dont know if it has to do with the fact that its the end of my shot cycle and i'm just a little off the hinge or if everything that i'm going through is finally coming in clear..i have hid away from myself my entire life because i've never wanted to get to know who i am because i never liked who i was..but now..i'm finally becoming me and i want to get to know me and i want to be happy and figure out what i want from life..and its very hard to focus so much on myself (ecspecially when i never have before) and to focus on everyone around me and trying to keep them happy too..i feel like i never have time to think about myself because i'm constantly thinking about everyone else..GRRRR..i could pull my brains out..i smoked today..i did..i needed to..its the only thing that keeps me sain and right now i feel like i'm going insane..on the same hand i feel so fucking scared of the way i'm feeling..it could destroy everything in my life i've worked hard to have..ecspecially with lucy..nobody understands how i feel right now..i get that and its okay..but its hard to think about yourself when you have someone there constantly saying "dont forget about me" and its not like i'm forgetting about anyone...i just need to figure out who the fuck i am..i dont want to devastate anyone..or hurt them..but is that more important to me than hurting and devastating myself? i feel like my emotions are being pulled every way but the way the need to go..make sense? well i needed to vent..post soon..until then..later..

hey everyone..another post for another day..sorry its been a few days i was super busy this weekend..i went out with some friends saturday night and lets just say dont remember getting home..haha..i was with good friends though so i was okay..and i didn't drive.. lately i've been feeling like hanging out with friends and going and doing things..lucy hates it..i dont want her to feel like i've forgotten about her or that i'm leaving her behind..i just feel like going out and doing my own thing..she could come along if she watned but she doesn't like going out so when she does its a bummer..shes no fun..she's grown up and out of that stage..which i get and that's fantastic..but now i feel like i'm in the prime of my youth trying to figure out who i am and what my goals are in this life because for so long i hid myself and didn't care to figure out who i was..needless to say being trans can be very complex..thats okay..i just wish she'd bear with me and just let me figure out what i need to or things aren't going to work..i dont need a "mother" right now i need a girlfriend that understands and can appreciate what i'm trying to do..she's doing swell..i know it has to be extrememly hard for her..but it is for me too..i'm walking down a brokenpath right now and i'm trying to mend it back together..ramble ramble ramble..haha..not exactly easy with what i'm going through..but it's okay i'm loving it..i just wish i didn't feel like i have to own up to anyone..and sometimes i can feel that way a great deal..lucy says "you just want to be a bachelor" well thats not exactly it.. i've explained to her my reasons for such..we have great communication skills and we can just talk..but this has been tricky..i dont know what i'm feeling inside..i'm trying to figure it out..anyways..gotta get to work..post soon..until then..later...

hey everyone..another post for another day..i'm exhausted..phew put in 12 hours at work today and another 12 tomorrow..i thought i'd post for a moment on what its been like going through puberty in an adult world..fucking hard..lemme tell ya! i'm so hyper all the time..and i have to act so professional at work..by the time i get home i'm so wound up i'm ready to wrestle and goof off..lucy can handle it for about 7 mins then she's yelling at me to quit..which i understand..its fun to wrestle but not every day..i think so though..she usually sends me off to lift weights to burn all that energy..when i'm around my friends who have kids..i'm insane..i start messing with em getting them all hyper not meaning to but its totally a way for me to burn all this friggin energy i have..tonight i was running around with my bosse's nephew whos 13 and my boss came up to me and said "i know you're going through puberty but you dont have to act like a 13 year old boy" lol..she wasn't being rude or anything..i think she finds it comical all night i kept hearing "stop it kids" LOLOLOL i can't fucking help it! i loose sight of the fact that i am an adult at times..i dont ever remember feeling this way the first time around with puberty...but i think its because as soon as puberty hit..i hid away..eliminated myself from everything..everybody thought i became a secret drug addict or something because of how often i vanished..but now to go through the puberty i was meant to is an amazing feeling and i'm enjoying every minute of it even if i have to be an adult for 8 hours a day..anyways..post soon..until then...later..