hey everyone!!! today couldn't have gone any better..today around noon my doc called me and told me my hormones came in and were in her hands...okay so weird hearing MY hormones was being held but ok i'll get past it! she said now we just wait for the labs to get in..ok so i'm thinking she'll get em tomorrow sometime and i'll get my first shot on friday!!! nope she called me back a few hours later saying that my labs came in and i can go ahead and come in tomorrow after work so around 5 pm for my first shot!!! ladies and gentlemen without much adou tomorrow is t day! i've been waiting forever for this..well to top it all off they handed out royals vs yankees baseball tickets for the game this sunday and guess who now proudly holds them in their hands..me..i do they're mine and we'll be sitting in the dugout or at least right by it..so therefore today has been an overall good day! just another day in paradise! talk to you soon..until then......later

today i went and got my labs done...what a scary feeling sitting there while the nurse tries to have smallchat with you all in the while sucking blood from your very veins...it was quick..only lasted about 10 minutes...the nurse said it'd be a few days before the results came back...well its gonna be a few days yet before my hormones are delievered anyways..so now i sit and wait...only a few days away will be the beginning of my journey down a broken path..i can't even explain how exicted i am! i am now heading to a dentist appt..so until then later...

hey everyone...i'll try to keep this one shorter than the last...i explained to y'all how i feel...you may not understand and that's cool but i needed a place to vent my thoughts and this works...so as well all know i've decided to transition...i'm beginning my path to a very scary world...its fearing the unknown...having to idea whats about to occur but wanting to know so bad i'm willing to wait and find out..its been a road of topsy turvy this that and the other...theres these guidelines the harry benjamin standards and guidelines for transgender..bascially loop holes i have to jump through before i can be me...i have to be in therapy for 6 months before i can receive my letter of recommendation for HRT (hormone regimine therapy) and then i have to have RLT (real life test) which means i have to live in the life of the gender i'm changing to for one year before i can get any SRS (sex reassignment surgery) and be in therapy for up to a year for the srs as well..its a bummer but i'm just glad they even have guidelines for me to go by...i've been in therapy since april...yea i know not very long...but long enough to have gotten my letter...which i did..back in july...but i've had to wait for my health insurance to kick in sept 1 before i could go on with HRT...now insurance doesn't cover it but it does cover my labs and physical exam which would cost me out of pocket hundreds of dollars...well obviously its past sept 1..i get my labs done on tuesday morning thanks to the holiday..i ordered my hormones from a pharmacy in oregon..they're farily cheap they said the package should be here thurs or fri...i'm waiting in anticipation for T day.. its like breaking free of a personal prison that has kept me in solitary confinement for 23 years...it can't get here quick enough..the hormones are going to help me feel more comfortable in my body and give me a better sense of self..and i can't wait..well time for me to head to work..i'll post more later on what my family thinks of it all! until then later

hey everyone..haven't been a big blogger but thought i'd give it a try...my name is jack and thought i'd share my path to freedom..have you ever met or seen someone walking down the street that you knew just by looking at something wasn't exaclty "right" about them..you can't quite put your finger on it but you know somethings different to the point you stare? you even break your neck to watch them walk by trying to figure out if they are a boy or a girl..now to me it seems if you have to ask then its probably your first pick..but that always isn't the case ecspecially with me...i know it doesn't help living in the midwest but i survive..it hasn't always been easy but i survive..now let me break it down..i'm a ftm tg..now for those of you that look at that and are confused...it means FEMALE TO MALE TRANSGENDER..yes intresting i know...not really...bascially what its about...and i know you've all heard the phrase..i'm a man trapped in a womans body and vice versa...well that just happens to ring true with me..i was born unique..hard to understand i know..nobody will ever know what its like to feel so ashamed of who you are until you walk in those shoes..i have accepted the fact that i'm trans..and i've accepted the fact that i have a long journey ahead of me...so lets enter into the first steps..i remember feeling this way when i was a very young child..i'd pray to god at night to make me a boy and i'd wake up early in the morn in a frantic to see if it worked and of course it never did..i always hung out with the neighborhood boys doing boy things and correcting my mother when she called me a girl..i referred to myself as jack when i was very young and was so embarrassed by my body i tried to mutilate myself and cut parts off that i didn't want..i envied my brother for being who i knew i was..and when puberty came i wanted to end it all..i was confused about mentrustrating and growing boobs..i coudln't handle it and i hated it so i found a way to get rid of my boobs and that was duct taping them down...it hurt like a son of a bitch and i couldn't breathe but at the same time it felt better..i started noticing i had an attraction towards girls so i lied to them and told them i was a boy but it never worked...they always found out and hated me for it and i hated myself..i couldn't grasp why i was so different than everyone else..then i met this girl..she was a lesbian and i wasn't exactly familiar with that word but lots of people called me dyke all the time..i figured it meant tomboy until she explained to me what it was...i assumed that was me..a lesbian..a dykey lesbian at that..as i got a little older i realized even more that i disliked lesbians very much and straight girls and boys too..i didn't fit the mold of the lesbians in the community and i think they could tell..straight girls made me mad because they didn't like me like that and i couldn't stand boys because all the girls wanted them and they got to do things like play football and soccer with the other boys..it was very frustrating and confusing..and then one day i stumbled upon this chat room on aol..when i was 14 it was titled transsexuals...so i entered and a new world shined bright in my eyes..i talked to them for a few years and it made everything so much better..i learned new ways to "pass" as a male..for example..how to really bind my chest down and how to train my voice to be a bit deeper than average..i also found out about a cure..a cure for this terrible thing i'd been living my entire life and that was sex reassignment...oh wow..hormones and surgeries and costly things to be who i was...so i asked my mom..she said she could handle me being gay but thats where she drew the line..i didn't understand...i thought it was okay because it was something i needed...but apparently not..it's not accepted and i didn't get that either because i was born that way..i wasn't choosing to do this why would anyone choose to do that to themselves...to me it was life or death..breaking free of a prison that held me captive for years..so i continued chatting in the room..the only place where i felt alive..i hid in that chat room up to 14 hours a day during the summer and weekends...after school thats where i was until bed..okay so now this blog is nine chapters long so i better break away from this addiction for a short while..i'll be back with the beginning of my journey soon! until then....later