hey everyone..another post for another day..last night was the first time i've gone out with friends since my birthday early april pre op..i went to a relatively small bar here in town where i would of have never showed my face at pre transition..i went adn i had the courage and confidence to walk in and have fun..it was so nice to hang out with all these strangers who knew i was just another guy in the bar with really hot girls..lol..i loved it..it was awesome..nobody stared at me trying to figure out what i was and even better..they had private bathrooms!! that's always a plus when i'm drinking..on my birthday i walked out of a stall in the mens bathroom and a guy i went to highschool with just looked at me and said hey (my birthname) and i just said hey it was awkward..but anyways..i just wanted to blog about last night because it was a big day..it was 9 months on T and first time out post op..i love finally falling into a gender..my gender..its fantastic! i also am going back to work monday..on a 15lb weight limit for a week..i wasn't suppose to go back until the 6 week mark..but i feel pretty good and i'm tired of sitting at home..so i emailed my surgeon and got eveyrthing ok'd by my boss! so i'm coming to the end of chest surgery recovery!which is evident..the rest of my stripping has fallen off on thursday so i got to see the final result of my chest..i'll post a pic! just another day in paradise! post soon until then..later...

hey everyone..another post for another day..today is 4 weeks post op..that means back to work in 2 weeks yay! this week is a big week for me as well because it'll be 9 months on testosterone this week..i can't believe how fast time has flown by..and how much i've changed all the way around mentally and physically..its almost as if the man i am today is completley disconnected with the woman i use to be..but that's a damn good feeling...wow..how happy life is today for me...unthinkable my friends...unthinkable..well posted a pic in the gallery check it out! post soon..until then..later...

hey everyone..another post for another day..i wanted to blog about my expierence yesterday..i went swimming bare chested for the first time..my mom looked over at me and asked how it felt..all i could say was "free" that's the best way i know how to explain it..i remember when i was 14 and the pool supervisor told me i couldn't swim in trunks so i had to leave..i was so upset because i wanted to swim but couldnt' without a womans bathing suit..i was so frustrated...that was the last time i went swimming in a pool..if i did go i'd head to the lake..but it became a rare occassion...last night i had the confidence to go swimming..it felt so natural..something i've wanted to do my entire life..since i started swimming at 6 years old..its amazing at how chest surgery has impacted my life..i watch my you tube vids from before T and i can't believe how i sounded..i use to say i have a deep voice for a girl..lol..no i didn't..not at all..amuses me really..that past life of mine is a part of my life and always will be..but i'm able to look at that person as somebody other than who i am today..anyways..wanted to blog..post again soon..until then..later..

hey everyone..i have some thoughts on my head that i want to get down...i was outside earlier tonight shirtless staring at the stars and all i could think was what a beautiful sky what a beautiful life..the breeze blowing against my skin..tickling the whiskers on my chin..each breath i took in another reason i found to appreciate everything in my life..but then..i stop and i think about how i use to look to the stars and wish i was one of them..having to not feel anything..in just 9 months so far i've already come to love life and begin to love myself..and i probably talk about this alot in my posts but theres that thing...that gender identity..in the back of my mind..i look back to everything in my life and know that my identity issues played a role in everything i did day to day..its unbelievable how much my gender identity has controlled my life and now i'm taking the opprotunity to take control of it instead...theres so many people around me who find what i'm doing intresting..not like i'm a freak but like its the uniqueness about me that everyone has inside themselves...then theres those people who find it repulsive..and it feels soo good and right and i cant' seem to figure out why everyone around me can't see that too..i know that the majority of people think of male to females when you talk of transsexuals..they tend to forget about female to males because we are such a small group of indiviuals...so i come along and its new..and its different...and its something that you should keep to yourself..well i did for years..until i couldn't anymore..i tell them its like having cancer...if you did you'd choose to take chemo to make yourself better..so you can live..then they always say no its different you dotn choose to have cancer you're choosing to do this..that word..CHOOSE...is a stickler..yes in a sense i'm choosing to transition but i'm doing it to save my life..so i can live..to make myself better..everything in my life right now feels right and i'm to the point where i'm okay with not understanding those people..i'm okay..i'm gonna do it all anyways..stealth is coming around very soon..my girlfriend and i are gonna move outta state next spring..so that way i can go stealth..that's scary..i'm finding the comfortableness with my masculinity...but its still intense to think about leaving behind the life i lived for 23 years and letting it disappear..i will be able to have lived any life i want to..nobody will know me or who i am..and that's fine by me..but its still scary..i think about it all the time..well i wanted to get these thoughts out..thanks for the ear..post soon..until then..later...

hey everyone...another post for another day..things here on my end are coming along rather swell..i go back to work in 2 weeks and 2 days adn i'm coutning down...i cant' wait..i've enjoyed the break away from work dont get me wrong..been awhile since i've lived with little stress..but on the same hand..i cant' wait to get back to work to get back into my everyday groove with my new chest..its makes everything so much better...i get excited to walk into walmart or a gas station even..its insane..all the scabs have fallen off my nipples..yay..stripping is on in two places yet..and my mobility is coming back..its a good thing..but anyways..my name change..i went up to the court house on the 27th to petition for my name change..i wasn't able to do anything but take the paperwork home because it cost 147.00 dollars to file..so as soon as i get back to work i'll return the paperwork with the money..then they said it takes 4-6 weeks for my court date to be set..then another few weeks to wait for the court date..so its going to be a long process of waiting..then i'll take that judge signed documentation down to the social security building and get my name changed on there..the paperwork will also be sent to vital statistics for my birth certificate..along with a letter from my surgeon and therapist explaining my transition..i can then take all of that paperwork up to the dept of motor vehicles and get everything changed over on all my identification..in the state of kansas by law you legally have to have sexual reassignment surgery before you can change your gender and my chest surgery counts..so now i wait..i'm so excited..that's pretty much the final step in my transition..theres a huge spectrum of indiviuals..some people have to completley change thier entire bodies to feel comfortable..and some dont even need to take hormones or have surgery to feel okay..and some people just want thier chest surgery and not hormones...but with me..i needed hormones..and chest surgery..i feel complete..i'm okay with whats between my legs because a penis doesn't make you a man..and i was born with that lived my entire life with it..its all i know..but my chest came later in life so they were foreign to me...so my transition is slowly coming to an end..and thats scary..but lots of physical changes left to endure with the hormones..anyways..thanks for listening..gotta jet..things to do..post soon..until then..later..