hey everyone..another post for another day...finally i got sleep last night..i took some tylenol pm and i passed out..and slept really good..today is my best friends surgery..she has to get gal stones removed..i'm taking her to the hospital..she says i dont have to wait there but well obviously i'm going too..what if something goes wrong..she'll need someone there..healing is still going well..i go back to work in 3 weeeks..yay..i cant' wait..anyways..i'm posting a pic in the gallery..take care...post soon..until then..later..

hey everyone..another day in paradise..not..i have insomnia i think...blah..must be withdrawls from the pain meds i was on..i've been off of them for about a week now..and in the last week i've probably had 8 hours of sleep..that can't be good for my healing process..so i went today and bought some tylenol pm..just took a few two hours ago...i'm not asleep yet..blah..i hope that i'll come out of this very very soon..i like sleep..i think that not only is it the pills but i'm a stomach sleeper and for three weeks i've done nothing but sleep on my back and that's all i can still do...so my legs start cramping up from not being able to reposition myself and it wakes me up and i cant' get back to sleep..other than that..my chest is looking fantastic..the scabs have fallen off of my nipples so now i just have nipples and its funny to see just my nipples..the pain is minimal but it hurts to wear a shirt when i wear a shirt or have a blanket on my chest it burns so i try not to..most of the stripping has fallen off too..i'll post a pic tomorrow..not enough light to do so now..but anyways..i think i'm gonna go try adn pass out..post soon...until then..later...

hey everyone...another day for another post..i'm just hanging around listening to music..my mom fell off the wagon again monday night..she's back to day one of being sober..it really drives me crazy but i've come to accept everything that has happened in my life..she's my mom and i love her no matter what..so it didnt make me angry like it use to..just kinda disappointed me but i know that i must be hard to recover and i can't hate her for trying..so i dedicated the song Accidents Can Happen by Sixx AM..its on my www.myspace.com/patsdevotee...that's my myspace page...anyways it made her cry..i guess you could say it was my way of communicating with her..it was a sappy moment...but it helps her get through hard times..anyways..enough my mom..now to me..its 38 weeks on T and i find myself forgetting that i'm on t..its just becoming such a routine like part of my life..i had to check my calendar even to see how many weeks it has been..52 is a year so i'm getting there fast..my chest surgery has consumed a big part of my everyday life mentally too..im changing more and more everyday and its fantastic..its my world right now..I remember when my boss pulled me into the office to tell me that i need to quit talking about it because its personal and that she understood it was new and easy to talk about...i just chuckled to myself..its not new..its something i've lived my entire life..from as far back as i can remember as a child..i'm just out of the closet and i guess you could say that was new..but not really because i have been on and off in my life..but to actually physically transition is personal i understand but lots of people want to be educated..i only every talked about it when people asked questions..its funny though..the one to tell me to quit talking aout it is the first person to ask to see my chest..funny how it works that way..theres a showing of transamerica at this local christian church this saturday...the tta was invited so i'm going..i've watned to see transamerica and who knows maybe i'll finally get to meet another ftm..as well all know i'd love to..but i've posted a 2 weeks post op pic in my gallery..everything seems to be healing great and the pain is becoming very minimal..i have only two pain pills left but i've only been taking two a day so kinda weening myself off of them i reckon...anyways before this post gets crazy long i'm gonna relax a bit..i go back to work june 17th can't wait..today is my favorite residents bday and i'm not there..agh if only 90 year olds had myspace pages! post soon..until then..later..

hey everyone...another post..for another day...i'm 13 days post op today..the surgery center called me back about that infection adn i sent them pictures..the doc emailed me saying that theres a bit of skin loss on my left nipple but to not worry it'll be okay and to keep applying ointment to it twice a day then email him a pic in a week so thursday..but i'm noticing that my right nipple is looking similar they're not gross or anything so im thinking its the healing process..its been nearly two weeks and i've had quite a few first times..i'm so stoked about everything...we had a bbq yesterday for my brother he graduates high school today..but anyways..his gf came to pick me up and i was in the backseat of her car with the windows down it was like 80 degrees out..and the wind was blowing and my shirt was going crazy in the wind beating against my bare chest..it felt unreal..i couldn't stop smiling..it felt so comfortable..i'm so use to that binder that i nearly feel naked all the time but its perfect..i went out to check the mail yesterday and a gal was across the street i had no shirt on and she hollered over and asked if my name was john..i said nope..and walked back inside but with my chest surgery i feel like i'll never be mistaken for female and thats a feeling i'm trying to adjust to..i mean my entire life i've always dealt with "is that a boy or a girl" and now i'm just a boy..to have and be reconized for only one gender is a feeling that lets me know i'm now able to begin the life that ive been given..i'm so excited to wake up in th emonring adn thats crazy for me.. i never thought id live to see 18 and then when i did i figured i wotn live to see 24 and now here i am and transitioned for the most part..when i look in the mirror at teh man staring back its still hard to believe mentally..it makes me want to find my first love when i was 15..we were together for 3 years i was her boyfriend and she ended up leaving me because i wasnt male bodied..and it destroyed every part of me..i went through a heartbreak unimaginable..and its been nearly impossible for me to love since then..and now i'm finding out what loving myself means and how it feels to love myself and nwo i can open up myself to love..i dont want to be wtih my ex i just want her to knwo that i've finally transitioned like we always talked about..i'm finally me..i'm free...i'm able to look ahead to life..i am now a human being that is happy and loves life..i dont shower in the dark anymore..i'm not afraid of mirrors..when i get hot at night i dont uncover my legs i uncover my chest...everything that made me hide is gone..going out in public isnt' an issue..i dont dread it..i dont stay couped up at home because of the stares and snickers..i know what its like to sit at supper in a restraunt and not have everyone staring at me and who im with..i know what its like to just be the next joe..and i've never been able to feel that before..a new life for a new me..post soon..until then..later...

hey everyone..another post..i'm sooo bored being laid up at home..i was working all that overtime to pay for my surgery..and now i have 6 weeks off from work..what to do..i have lots of things to do..like crosswords...tv..internet..sketch paper..video games..blah blah blah...i'm still bored..at least my dog is home now...he stayed with my mom while i was away for surgery..i missed the little guy...i think theres a problem though..with my left nipple..grrr..maybe i'm just being way over paranoid..but i dont know..i'm suppose to wear bandaids and neosporin for a week on my nipples which i've done...the week woudl be concluded tomorrow..but my left nipple looks all gooey and just not right..at least compared to my right nipple which is looking really good..scabby..but that's good..maybe i need to air them out..i remember when i would get cuts as a kid my mom would only let me wear a band aid for so long..because air helps heal..so i've taken my band aids off today and i'm giong to see if that helps...the pain is mimnimal today..but maybe becaues i got my pill prescription refilled..yay..pills..i like..lol...i called the surgery center and was transferred to a voicemail of course..i left a message..i'm hoping i can email pics of my nips to dr johnson since i live out of town..fingers crossed hope for the best..the white stripping is starting to fall off..in spots..i'm pretty sure i'm healing okay..i'm just really worried about that left nipple..well i'll post and let y'all know what he says..anyways better run..post soon..until then...later...