hey everyone..today is 9 days post op..i've been home since last friday the 9th..we arrived a day early so we could familirize ourselves with the area..this way we'd know exactly where we were going...we settled into our hotel which was 6 miles down the road from the surgery center..the hotel sat on the same road..i could barely sleep that night i was so excited..we had to be at the surgery center monday by 1130am...i couldnt' eat anything past midnight the night before..so going all morning without food or water was awfully hard..i like breakfast..its my favorite meal of the day..lol..we arrived..they checked me in put a bracelet on my wrist and said it'd be a few minutes..before i knew it they called me back..a nurse named lynda..she was awfully nice..she could tell i was nervous immediatley..she did a very good job trying to calm my nerves..she asked me a few basic questions then told me to gt down to my boxers and a gown..so i did as requested..i took a moment and looked at myself in the mirror..it was going to be the last time i seen my chest..i smiled took a deep breath then went and met lynda near room 4 where she told me to hop into the bed..i did..she started the iv in my hand took my vitals and got everything set up for the ekg's..then another nurse came in explained the process to me made sure i understood..then the anesteologist came in..told me the procedure he does..i told him i was really anxious about giong under..he eased my nerves..lynda said she was going to start some medicine in my iv that'll relax me..its exactly what it did too..i was way mellowed...dr johnson then came in had me stand up as he marked my chest..explained some things to me..then they asked if i was ready..i said sure...they wheeled me into the operating room..i took a look around they had me move onto another bed which was about as wide as i am..then the anesteologist said okay i'm gonna start..i said okay and then i was waking up puking my guts up...i looked down i had a binder on with two bulb like things containing blood..those were my drains..i was in pain..my chest was on fire..felt like i was buring from the outside in..i puked some more than passed back out..i woke up a bit later and they got me dressed helped me into the wheelchair wheeled me out to the truck..i hoped in adn went back to the hotel..where i passed otu for pretty much the next four days..the pain was minimal but i was doped up on drugs most of the week..i had a followup appt with the doc on friday at 8 am..so we stayed in the hotel all week...when i got to the office he came in took off my binder and all the dressings..he then removed the drains which was the worst part i think of the entire ordeal..he said on the count of three take a deep breath..which i did..and he yanked them out..i felt them slither like a snake i nearly fainted..he laid me down took the staples off the dressings around my nipples..then explained post op instructions for me and left..i have to go back june 12th..but i stood up and for the first time went over to the mirror and looked at my chest..my heart dropped and tears fell..i couldn't believe what i was seeing..my chest was flat it looked so good..contoured very nicely..nipples were in the right places..i was amazed...we left and headed for home and all icould think of was the things i was gonna get to do without a shirt on once i was healed..we got home and i've pretty much done the same thing i did while i was up there take it easy and sleep alot..eat pills and sleep..its painful it is..but its okay i know it'll pass and when it does i'm gonna get to live the life i haven't gotten to yet..i'm excited for the future i'm excited to wake up tomorrow..i'm excited for everything that lays ahead adn for the first time in my life i can say i feel comfortable...very comfortable with myself..i haven't really gotten to go out and about yet but when i do i'll post that first time..i have se veral first times ahead of me..i've posted a few pics i'll post more later...i'm officially post op..the doc said the white tape will fall off as the stitches dissolve..the red dots around my nipples are where the staples were...anyways..post soon..before this gets toooooo long..until then...later....

hey everyone..another post for another day...monday is the biggest day of my life....i haven't been able to sleep the last few days..my excitement and nerves have been battling each other..ive been up and down about everything all week..but i'm finally okay..i'm ready..nervous but i'm ready..mentally adn physically prepared..i cant' believe this day is finally here..i have prayed for this my entire life..since i have a memory..and its finally happening..i can't even imagine life afterwards..what just a tshirt feels like against my skin..what a womans breasts feels like against my chest..kisses..touches..just her laying her head on my chest..to not sit hunched over..to swim in public..to take my shirt off outside..to not jump when a buddy tries to give me a titty twister..to have my life completed..i always thought this was unobtainable..and its in the palm o fmy hand...and i cant wait..some of you have followed my blog through my entire transition..i love you guys..be thinking of me monday at noon when im getting prepped..i'll be keeping a written blog while im in nebraska..then when i get home i'll post those entries here..this way you'll know exactly what was going on...i gotta finish packing..i'll post as soon as i return in a week...until then.....later...

hey everyone..another post for another day...ive had a very stressful day..ive literally been in tears all day..boy do i have a headache..ive had alot on my mind about my surgery..its soo close and i dont recall any of the other trans guys on youtube saying they've kinda freaked out right before..maybe everyone handles it in thier own way..ive been mentally breaking down inside my head..nobody knows it but me..i've decided that im not going to take my mom to omaha with me because i dont need that extra anxiety..although it might be the closure she needs..she's grieving the loss of her daughter which i get because ive had to grieve the loss of myself..the only person ive known my entire 24 years of life..and monday..that person is gone for real..its the death of her daughter and the birth of her son and that has to be scary because it is from my standpoint..my completley new life is beginning which means i need to leave where i am soon..and i'm just now finding it "comfortable"..go to another state and really start it..fear of the unknown plays alot in my transition..its scary..but i can't take my mom for my own personal reasons..what happen if she goes out adn gets drunk? i've always been responsible for her when she has..and i can't do that..and she cries alot..i can't do that either..i know she loves me i do..but however i do need someone with me that cares about me..genuinely..this is the biggest expierence of my life and i want to invite someone that i know i can trust..its as simple as that..i have a therapy appt tomorrow and i cant' wait..i'm going to ask her if i can see her everyday up til when i leave..anyways..gotta run..post soon..until then..later...

hey everyone..another post for another day...i have so much going on in my head right now..its very nervewracking and being the day before t day doesnt' help..i'm pretty much ready for my surgery i have my letter..its paid for...i got my dpoa ready just in case any thing were to happen to me..but mentally i'm trying to get there i really am..but man its way intense..i'm getting ready to go through the biggest and most important expierence ever in my life and i dont know what to feel..thats hard..i'm scared out of my mind to go under i've never been under anesthia..so i dont even know what to expect..and i could die..which is fine by me..i've accepted that factor...i'm scared for what the end result is going to bring..but then i turn around and i'm nervous..because i dont know what th end result is going to be..what is going to happen to me when i'm done transitioning? That's really it..after all these mountains i've climed emotionally mentally and physically it'll be done...or will it? Are my identity issues going to be there forever? and will a transmarch really do it for me? i'm happy as hell though because i can't imagine me having a man's chest..i've gotten so accustomed to living miserably with what i have that i cant' imagine not having that huge inconvience in life all the way around..i'll be me..normal..then i find myself getting so overwhelmed with excitement and butterflies i feel like i'm going to puke..but then i'll find myself getting angry with the fact that i even have to deal with everything i've dealt with just to be me..ya know..its all too consuming with my entire life and nobody around me gets it or understands so here i am alone once again fighting to get through the waves and tides of transitioning..phew..i need to chill..post soon..until then..later....

hey everyone..another post..for another day..i'm troubled..so i'm on here today to share to y'all whats bothering me..well like i said in my earlier post that i finally have been able to post vids on youtube..which is fantastic..but friday night my mom watched my video and called me crying 3 times..she cant' believe how much i've changed and that shes obviously been in denial about the entire transition..she said she kept looking in my eyes in teh video and couldn't see the person she gave birth to..and she doesnt' know the man that i am..and shes really freaking out about my transition..and i feel like fucking stuck like i dont know whta to do or even how to react..i'm getting surgery here in about a week which is gonna be a huge durastic change and i mention that to her and she cries harder saying i know and i can't be there..so now i feel awful for not having her come with me so guess what i'm going to do..ask her if she wants to come..if that'll help ease her mind then so be it..maybe she can keep jasmin company..i'll be knocked out quite a bit i'm sure..but its just taking me for a whirlwind because i thought she was on her way to accepting it and realizing she has a son now..but nope she has been oblivious this entire time..its really fucking with me..and like i said i dont knwo what to do..so i wanted to come on here to vent..and ask for any ideas or advice? i love my mom very much and it being hard on her is making it extremley hard on me..oh no..drop a comment please!!!!! post soon until then..later...