hey everyone..another post for another week..last week i worked 74 hours..phew..doing nothing but sleeping and working but i really need to save up for my surgery..its two months away..if i keep doing what i've been doing i'll be exactly where i need to be..my girlfriend is so supportive of me right now and its fantastic..she makes me feel so good like nobody has ever before and i know i can acredit myself for some of that becaus i'm allowing her to be supportive i've always had this mindset of tackling things on my own because i just always have had to..i've never really let someone come into my life and truly know whats going on with me..its a huge step for me..and i'm happy to be sharing it with someone like jasmin..she's a ruby..other than that..physical changes increase more nad more to me each week..all the hair i've had growing in is finally coming in pretty thick..ecspecially on my legs..i feel like the hair on my legs have been taking forever to grow..but its finally starting to..my face looks completley different..shaped different as is my neck so when i look in the mirror i catch myself standing there for at least 5 minutes just gazing at the man staring back..i am a man..i feel more and more like a man each day..my shoulders and my midsection..all different my gut is getting bigger but my thighs are butt are continusly getting smaller..when i walk by a window and see my reflection i get a huge burst of excitement but i have to contain it so people dont think i'm nuts but i my body isn't what it use to be..all the way around i look different..and its crazy because i'm barely 6 months into my transition and i know theres more to happen..my libido is still sky high..i love having sex..haha..who doesn't..i dont get cold that easily..and i still sweat way more than i ever have..my upper body strength gets stronger and stronger all the time..i haven't cried in a few weeks..my voice is super deep..i'm thinking its at that point where its as deep as its gonna go..now i just need to figure out where it feels more comfortable..it can still go all over the place..my feet still get clammy but not my hands as much as they use to..thats all physically...but mentally....things are changing..outlooks on everything are from a different perspective persay..its becoming easier and easier to present myself as male..but it can still feel overwhelming..theres a past life here in topeka..that i accept 100% but i'm forming a new life now as a new person..i actually get to leave behind my life and start over..a rebirth but a rebirth into the right gender..i'm ready to leave all this behind..i know i just have to wait for my surgery..but i need to go..i can't stay here and make my way through manhood..it just wont happen..things i think about every day...i posted a new pic its in the gallery..but i gotta go..post next week...until then..later....

hey everyone..another post for another day..or week i should say..like i keep saying been busy..really trying to save for this surgery..i'm counting down the days..and it just seems to get closer and closer..i'm so excited..my body has always been my enemy..and after my surgery i'll feel like me and my body will then be my forgiven enemy..i can handle my genitalia..that doesn't bug me so much..i can feel good about that..to me a dick doesn't make you a man..and just the physical transition will make me feel enough like a man to survive in this world comfortably..i'd say in this last month is when i've noticed the most changes physically and mentally..and i bet they're going to stay on the path they're on..incredible..today is valentines day..so happy vday to everyone..my mom called me this morning and said happy vday my man..you'll always be my valentine..it made my fucking day..my mother is finally reconizing and coming around to who i am..and its a good feeling..ecspecially with the relationship we've had..its a new beginning to a new me..a new her..and a new us..anyways..better jet..posting a pic as soon as i'm done typing..i'll post again next week..until then....later.....

hey everyone..another post for another day..sorry for the late late late post..been super busy..working alot of overtime trying to save up for my surgery..my whole life it has been "is it a boy or a girl?" always questioned..and thats slowly going away..the more and more i pass as male that's what it is..thats all i've ever known though and its kind of scary going into the world as a different and new person..i look at people and things seem so in place for them as a person even if thier life is a mess..i look at myself and think about how i feel every day when i'm stuck in the middle..but thats fading..i'm transitioning into a man..although the ambiguity is disappearing does that mean my identity issues will to? or will they be forever a part of my life? now my identity issues are the fact that i'm female bodied...and i'm changing that now..surgery is coming up and i'm on t now for nearly 6 months..its going so fast and will one day be done..i wont be transitioning anymore i'll just be a man..so when i get to that point will my identity issues then turn to something else like the fact that all my battles and uphill wars i fought to become me are going to be contained to two scars on my chest..nobody will ever know i was trans and will it slowly fade away? will it be something kept at the back of my mind for only me to think about? i'm nervous..fear of the unknown is coming back into play like it did in the beginning..and i'm not sure how the entire transition is going to play effect in my life when it comes to an end..things are going all over the place in my head..i'm also trying to adjust to just being a guy in the world..i dont know if its the midwest or just being a guy..but they use words like fag..gay..queer..maybe its just bigotry..but its hard for me to sit in a crowd of guys while they talk like this but then i have to be macho or else i'll be "gay" and its different..its a world i'm becoming a member of and i love it but at the same time it takes me through all these loops..and i gave myself a shot today and hit a vein..oooooouuucccchhh...lots of blood but i'll survive..the doc says it shoudln't affect anything differently..so phew..i'll post on time again..i'm out of town right now but when i get back i'll post a pic..i took one already just waiting to post it..until then..later......

hey everyone..another post for another day..21 weeks..this one might be kinda long..i have lots to write about...the entire feeling alone thing has passed..which is a good thing..several physical changes i've really started to notice lately..the hair on my arms are growing extremely long..they're still not very dark but they are really starting to grow..however the hair on my legs..its growing..just very very slowly..kinda bummed about it..but i'll be patient..i have to be..my stomach..the hair on my stomach is really coming in..and dark..i'm really starting to get a happy trail and its amazing..long enough to be pulled on..the hair is all over my belly and my chest..can't wait for surgery...its so awesome to see though..my facial hair is coming in but its still really blonde..i shave probably once a week..i can feel my sideburns coming in but i can't see them yet..hopefully soon..my eyebrows are getting thicker.. a unibrow...but im liking it so its fine by me..also my upper body strength has increased a huge amount..i've been working doubles at work lately trying to save for surgery and when i transfer residents its like nothing..it use to tire me out but now its easy as ever and i dont get tired nearly as quick..not getting tired i think has to do with my energy levels..my arms and legs look different..thicker but more thinned out at the same time..my entire body shape is changing..my belly is getting more rounded persay but all my curves are disappearing..i notice when i put on my jeans..i put on a pair the other day i grew out of and they were huge..my belt couldn't keep them up..my scrubs for work are too big they constantly fall down..my hands are thicker..my shoulders have way more defintion as does my back..my toes all ten of them are hairier than before..and my adams apple is getting more and more firm..my body temp is always high..i never get cold like i use to and dont sleep with a heater on at night..my chest is getting smaller..my binder is too big its a 2x so i think i need to go down to an xl..my chest is hidden easier now..as for my voice..super deep..my voice helps me pass so much more its unbelievable..its such a good feeling to look in the mirror and reconize a part of you that should have been there all along..i think i'm doing a good job at becoming a member of the secret mens club..mentally i feel like things are at a good spot persay..i'm happy with who i'm becoming..my thought processes have changed my body has changed my entire life has changed..and its only going to get better..i feel more and more like me everyday..i'm going to have to order a third bottle of T soon which is crazy to think..that means i'm coming up on 18 shots..theres 10 shots to a vial but you never get the last shot..i think the needle head is too big and it can't sink into the t enough..i'm happy..its so funny to hear myself say that..but i am..its been 5 months since i've been on T and things have changed..i remember when i use to sleep at night in my dreams i would see myself as a man..the man i should have been..i hated waking up..but now when i sleep at night i see myself how i was right before my transition..and all i want to do is wake up..maybe i'll get use to it..maybe i wont..the same goes with the voice inside my head..when i think to myself i hear my pre t voice..its not the voice i talk with..funny really..when i hear that voice i'll suddenly say my thoughts outloud..in desperation of hearing my new found voice..maybe i'll get use to that too..all in hopes..those are things i dont tell anyone..they're complicated..but being trans can be..its a been a struggle so far to bring out who i am..a journey that not many people take..and i'm only at the beginning..to imagine everything else i'm going to go through is a war in its own..but i'm ready to fight it..and accomplish it..i'm ready..i've never felt so ready in all my life..things are falling into place..and i'm living life...post soon..until then..later....

ps new pic in the gallery!

hey everyone..another day for another post..its 20 weeks today..wow..i'm finally out of the teens..woohoo..i posted another pic..its so fun to look at how much i've changed..incredible really..however i have felt very alone and isolated the last few days..overwhelmed with my transition..i'm battling myself right now and its difficult..i'm not depressed..i just feel like one in a million..everything i'm doing feels so right and perfect to me...but to the rest of the world it seems so wrong and awful...its a challenge and a battle i fight everyday..nobody knows what i'm going through mentally and physically..and they dont take the time to stop and possibly think of what it is..instead they hate.. they say awful things and make me the butt of thier jokes and its hurtful but what can i do..i'm the freak remember..i'm the one with mental health issues..blah fucking blah...i'm living for me..trying to discover myself and i'm caught in between genders right now..and gender is one of the main things in this world that completes it..or at least thats what society has created..and its tough for the ambigious..i have accepted myself..i have fought myself my entire life trying to figure out why i hated myself so much and i finally found something that can cause happiness in my life..and people want to rip that away..i wont let them..but it does cause me to be in a war not only with the rest of the world but with myself..depressed isn't the word..just alone..there aren't any trans brothers nearby so i'm in the midwest conservative usa trying to survive as transgendered..and up hill jog is how it feels but i know i'm working towards just being jake..thats it..just jake..i can't wait for that day..anyways gotta jet..post soon..until then....later............