hey everyone..another post for another day..its really funny how so many feelings and emotions can occur during my transition..its like an up and down rollercoaster ride and i'm trying to fit it all together..theres so many days where i feel like the man i'm becoming and feeling comfortable..and i do..but then theres days where my lower genitailia brings me dysphoria (unhappiness)...i always say i can handle my genitailia because i was born with it and have had it my entire life where as my chest came later on so it was foreign to me..but there are times when i dont feel that way at all..when i see myself i dont see what i have and things like using the restroom..an dhaving to use a stp device (stand to pee) that i bought online can really suck..so badly do i just want to be able to whip it out like every other man..but i cant'..instead i have to wear a harness with my packy just to feel comfortable..when i'm in the bedroom and i have to stop mid action to strap it on sucks...i joke with people all the time about how i'm lucky because i get to pick my size..but really inside i'm hating myself for it..however..i love being touched now and thats something that has changed..i never let anyone touch me i cringed at every touch..no kisses..no hugs nothing..i hid away from others affectionatley..but now i love being touched it feels soo good..i still despise the lower part of my body..nobody knows whats really in your pants...they just assume with your outward appearance which is fine everyone will assume i do have a penis..but i know that i dont..and it can be sucky...and really bring me down..i feel like the boy with a vagina..and as ridicilous that sounds..is how ridicilous it feels..all i can do is accept it..i will never have the lower surgery..way too painful..expensive..and you loose all sensation..i now like being touched so why get rid of it ya know...who knows where i lay on the spectrum of transgenders but i feel isolated sometimes because i'v enever met another transguy..but theres a good chance i can move to omaha nebraska in a month or so it'd be before my name and gender change but close enough to where i could go to my court dates..but the going up there and having to give all that information to a place of employment or housing development..makes me want to change my mind..because after i got my name changed i'd have to let them know..and out would come me and that doesn't help me being stealth..but i was also thinking since theres nearly half a million people id be okay...theres choices here in my near future that i'm having to make..and they're complicated but i'm getting there..one day i'll be exactly where i need to be..and i will work hard towards that goal..post soon..until then..later....

ps new pic in gallery